40 - Time

I feel time ticking away ... slowly slipping further with nothing to show for it.  I went out to a local pub with a friend a few weeks ago ... sans make up or any effort in making myself presentable.  I was feeling taxed from life and knew it was a good idea to get out, even if I didn't feel like it.  So I went.
     In comparison, I was invited to a friend's a few days later, for a celebration of sorts.  It was a nice gesture on my friend's part, but what she probably didn't know was that there were others that were going to be there that I had no desire to spend time with.  Others that knew me, knew a little of my situation, and I was not strong enough to respond to their questions, to their silent judging (which I knew would happen, because I heard them doing it to others), to their pity. I believe that when we pity someone, it is a way of saying "I'm better than you" and I just didn't want to go there.
     The last months have held many blessings - time to think, to reflect, to relax. Time to examine who I am and what do I want to do with the time I have left. Do I just do whatever to coast through to the end, or do I put forth the effort into one more grand attempt at leaving a legacy?  Obviously, my answer is the latter ... but how to get there from here when I don't know where 'there' is, is the mystery.  I sense that there is still something left in me, maybe even the best part, to put forward.  And sometimes, I get clues.  I just wish the options were more clear!
     This last week, I've spent visiting my brother.  This visit was necessary for a number of reasons, of which weighing the option of moving east is one of them.  Something is telling me that I have my answer, at least the answer for now.  Am also leaving with two book recommends - Mindset by Carol Dweck and Gifts of Imperfection by Brene Brown.  Both these books have to do with our internal thinkings on entering into various 'seasons' or chapters of our lives. Particularly when we set a goal, give it all we have, and fall short.  What then?  That is the reality for my brother right now, and for me as well, in a different way. So, with this thought, and I look back at my first statement, "slowly slipping further with nothing to show for it" ... that should not be my perspective.  That, on its own, is a perspective that fails to advance. 
     I'm "home" again, and it feels like I have my tasks set before me.  I have five weeks ... that's it.  Let's see what change I can bring about in five weeks. Nothing like a deadline to light a fire!

39 - Hoarding or Clutter?

     Occasionally, lately, I seem to have watched a few episodes of Hoarders: Buried Alive. And, there are times when I wonder how close I am to being diagnosed as a 'hoarder'.  When I look around my possessions, and imagine all there is, I do wonder.  Some might think it is more probable than possible! When I read over the diagnostic criteria, I can see myself in some form in all the items ... not massively strong, but I am there. I am really trying to eliminate things from my life ... I want to move, and I don't want to move things that need to be removed from my life. I want to reduce and simplify.  And, I know last summer I threw out a bunch of high school / college notes and mementos .... there was a bit of a sick feeling when I did that, and I occasionally think about it, but I try to dismiss it as I haven't had need for it.  I can't remember everything I threw out (good thing!) ... and I know I need to continue this.
     It seems that there is often a trigger incident of some sort that initiates the hoarding.  If I look back over my life, asking when did this start, I would probably say when I moved to this province in 1990. That seems to be when the boxes began to accumulate. Over the years, there were times when my possessions would diminish ... but then they accumulate again.  And, to my credit, it was me who made them diminish. But 1990 - what happened in 1990?  Interesting, about 2 years ago, I visited a woman who reads "something" (I don't know how to explain it).  She identified 3 times in my life that I encountered something severely traumatic, something I have yet to let go of - once was before I was born, once was in about 2008 and once was in ... 1990. Here is not the place to get into any of this ... all I'm putting forth here is that I recognize that I have hoarding traits, I accept there might be a reason for them, and I continue to push forth - through the hoarding and through whatever those three events are.  I think I know.
     One step at a time ... one step forward and don't look back.

Gratitude Moments for Today:

1. Today, I'm grateful for a good phone call from one of the agencies. The question was about overtime - my answer was: I want to do the best job I can; in a perfect world, I want to know that when the job leaves my hands and responsibility, that it is the best I can do.  And that means the JOB is the priority for me, not the hours regulated to the task. I think I gave the right answer.
2.  Today, I'm grateful for hearing that a friend got a new job!  I don't know the details, but I find it inspiring when people get jobs in this economy! (And I'm sooo glad she got one!)
3. Today, I'm grateful for seeming to keep up with the "minimal cleaning" in my place.  About 2 weeks ago, I
got very agitated and disgusted with myself.  I did a pretty good 'general clean' all at once, and have been trying to keep it up on a daily basis.  So far, I think I'm doing ok - now, to dive deep into the cleaning of a spot and add that to the "minimal cleaning" for daily upkeep.
4. Today, I'm grateful to hear that another friend that went into a tense situation last night came out "with God's fingerprints all over it".  Love when that happens!
5. Today, I'm grateful for hearing that God is alive and well ... in others' lives and because I believe that, then I believe He is alive and well in mine, also. God works according to the person, and I know this is a time for miracles.  In my life, too ... and for that, I am very grateful!

38 - Plan to Purpose

I feel like I had this 'key' for many years ... and I've dabbled with it often.  However, every time I picked up and made motion to use it in full, I would start with focus and motivation ... and something would come out of the blue, unexpected, and derail my intentions.  I remember once I began the year with clear intention to clean up my computer/digital information.  And, I got my teaching files cleaned (all of them transferred from floppy disks to hard drive - yes, it was that long ago!) and I took my computer for a servicing ... and the entire documentation got destroyed.  Now, why I didn't back it up, I don't know ... perhaps because flash drives had yet to be invented?  Another year, I began the year with grand intentions ... and then illness.  Or job loss.  Or financial crash.  My life seems to be full with attempt, with focus, and then the engine of my life blows up.  And again.  And again.  And yes, I will try again.

A number of years ago, I began to develop a concept for goal planning and achievement.  I got parts done, but never saw 3 consecutive months through.  Over time, I worked on parts and would try again, and last year, when my health took over and then employment changes (to complete loss this year), I set it aside.  Well, for some reason, I have a renewed interest in planning.  Maybe because this break is good?  Time to reflect and review?  I've become a bit obsessed in goal planning, life planning, dayplanners, all things to do with future planning and achievement.  I've been looking at planners online (I don't have the money, but I can look and plan!) - Erin Condren, Passion Planner, Filo-Fax ... and I have yet to find something perfect for me, so I'm starting to entertain the idea of creating my own.  What do I need?  What size works for me?  I'm thinking two - a large binder-size (for the goal plans) and small binder size (for the running day to day plans).  I'm starting to conceptualize it and will likely play with bits and pieces, getting things in place and test-driving it ... until 2016 create the hard copy to pull myself through the year.  And, with all the problems I've had, I guess I should also figure out a contingency plan - for when plans get thrown out the window!! How to deal with that and how to get the train back on the rails.  What I do know is that if done right (and there are many ways to do it 'right'), if one perseveres the plan, adapting accordingly yet keeping the 'North Star' in focus, success is possible.  Achievement is achievable.  Maybe there is blessing in this break.

I'll share more as time goes on.  I guess I wish I would have done this earlier - in my 30s, or earlier.  Maybe things would have turned out more deliberate rather than reactive, which is what the brunt of my life seems to have been.  The good part?  There's still life left!

Gratitude Moments for Today
1/ Today, I'm grateful for getting my rash looked at and now to get the prescription and see if it helps.
2/ Today, I'm grateful for the incredible beautiful day!
3/ Today, I'm grateful for my friendship with PN - I feel terrible about how things turned out but I believe that she will forgive me ... so, I'm grateful for forgiveness!
4/ Today, I'm grateful for the fog that is slowly seeming to clear.  Maybe this is the best way for it to happen.
5/ Today, I'm grateful for the opportunity for an interview on Friday.  I pray that it yields results! and if nothing else, it's excellent practice! (I'd rather have the offer for a min. of a year!) Or ... maybe one of the other resumes I put forth yesterday?? I have faith that a shift is coming ... and for that faith, I am grateful!!

37 - New Way to Look at Life

"Management - In organizations, management is a function that coordinates the efforts of people to accomplish goals and objectives using available resources efficiently and effectively.  It includes planning, organizing, staffing, leading or directing, and controlling an organization to accomplish the goal.  Resourcing encompasses the deployment and manipulation of human resources, financial resources, technological resources, and natural resources."  It's interesting.  I have long thought about life as a 'company', that I am the CEO and COO of my own little company - 'Me, Inc.'  And, from last week, something clicked in me - one of those components is Career Management; and on a sub-category of Career Management is Career Planning. Today, my thought is that maybe in the last 1/2 of my life I can make up for poor management of the first 1/2 of my life! At the same time, I realize that there was much I gained in the middle of poor management - just like I learned from poor managers, so to can I learn from poor management, and even better when it's mine!  We talked about how the education we get following high school sets the foundation for all that comes after, and the best foundation is usually a university degree as it keeps the most number of doors open for you after.  So, what did my degree contribute?  A way of thinking, that is not taught, encouraged and practiced in any of the other forms of higher learning.  I can live with that ... and I can build on that!

Moments of Gratitude for Today
1/ Today, I'm grateful to have made the cut ... out of 400, I was one of 35!  That alone, for me, was much to be grateful for!!!
2/ Today, I'm grateful for spending time with my finances and working on a game-plan when it comes to that area in sore need of management.
3/ Today, I'm grateful for the email from BB (now BR) from high school!!
4/ Today, I'm grateful for some really nice discussions with RA. It's nice to talk to her for a bit when she drives home.
5/ Today, I'm grateful for the small steps towards big goals that I made today. 

36 - Change is in the Air

I have a feeling that change is coming soon.  It will either come through Path A or Path B (or Path-Blind-Side, if Life decides to get creative!).  But it is coming.

Unemployment has given me a luxury ... in this moment, I must choose a path.  I can choose to step on a path like the one I was on, or I can take a leap, a dive, into the unknown. Or .... I can surrender all I've been to give my life somewhere else.  And maybe that leap will be the surrender.  I have made my decision ... with lots of thought and then closing my eyes and speaking my heart.  All paths lead me to leave Alberta, the difference is if it will be sooner or later.  I feel like I've thrown all my balls into the air and right now, there they hover.

Gratitude Moments for Today

1/ Today, I am grateful for being in a position where I can make that choice.
2/ Today, I am grateful for meeting with VG ... again, like so often,  I left realizing that the counsel I gave her is what I need to heed myself.  In this case, focus and persistence.
3/ Today, I am grateful for hearing from RA - I didn't speak to her long, but the little texting was really nice.
4/ Today, I am grateful for PN, and though there is nothing she can do about a position for me now, what she has done so far, the encouragement, the contact, the 'pushing' is so appreciated!
5/ Today, I am grateful for my brother. He is an amazing person.

35 - What in the World???

I confess, there has been more than once in the past while when I've tuned in to watch Jerry Springer.  And every time, without fail, there is at least once an episode when I shake my head and wonder about people in our world ... and wonder about myself, for watching this crap.  I honestly can't believe there really are people in this world like that - and that they seem to not only populate his stage but also his audience as well!! And, colour of skin makes no difference - they are all nuts!  Mr. Springer seems to be ok, (I've read that he's crass, but I would say his guests and audience are!!) he seems that his head is screwed on pretty straight, his 'Final Thoughts' are always something thoughtful and solid, and yet ... the people ... holy man! What a sorry lot! And his audience? The thing is that it's like a car wreck ... you just can't turn away!  I mean, even if the 'guests' do come prepared to fight, please ... this does nothing for your dignity as a human being! I am embarrassed to be part of the same population as you. Mind you - then I think, will all the new awareness I am developing and all the things I'm noticing, I really shouldn't be surprised, should I?
     It's at times like this I need to practice my right as a viewer - turn the damn thing off!!  There is enough crap that goes into my head without a conscious choice, and, I really don't need this in there as well.  The only positive thing that can come of it is the gratitude (and desire to ensure it does not become so!) for that not being me! Besides, there are much better things I could be doing with my time.


Gratitude for Today
1/ Today, I'm grateful for having at least a sense of human dignity, in comparison to those sad people, anyway!
2/ Today, I'm grateful for the phone calls I got done - I got the same answer for both, but at least I now know my next step!
3/ Today, I'm grateful for the awesome weather!  We are breaking records!!
4/ Today, I'm grateful for my niece and nephew ... I'm really glad that I am in closer touch with them!
5/ Today, I'm grateful for the calls I made ... they should have been done a long time ago, but I did them today.  Next step ...

34 - What I Really Need ...

Something needs to change - something serious.  Something huge.  Something to shatter me to the core.  If there was a list of what one can do wrong, I feel like in the last 2 months, I've done it.  What's more, I am not sure how to stop it. And that's the part that infuriates me the most. I should know how, right?  I have all the tools, I have the smarts, I have the experience ... and yet, I insist on falling on my face and sitting there.  And, my ass grows fatter. 
     Yes, this has to do with employment (or lack of it), but there is much more than that absent paycheque.  It has to do with what I'm capable of, what I believe I am created to achieve (which I don't have an answer to), hot to do my education and my ability honour.  In a way, I'm letting myself down, but that would make it trite. I need to come up with a way to turn my thinking around, and in that, begin progress in a new direction.
     I am not a salesperson - primarily because I'd be hard pressed to come up with one thing that every person needs.  I correct myself - there is one thing every person needs: education.  Higher learning from something beyond yourself.  The thing is ... I believe it but I don't demonstrate it.  And maybe, therein holds the secret to change for me.

Gratitude Moments for Today
1/ Today, I'm grateful for finding other positions than just admin jobs.  I sent a resume today for an instructor position.  Not sure what the class would be, and certain it would not be FTE, but at least it's something different.
2/ Today, I'm grateful for the beautiful weather we are having!  I think it's almost safe to say that winter is over.
3/ Today, I'm grateful for this struggle ... it's not pleasant, but I think for me it is necessary.
4/ Today, I'm grateful for my education ... it helps me view life and situations in different ways, it also has given me tools to address what needs to be addressed - and hopefully, in there lies the change needed.
5/ Today, I'm grateful for another change to make good.  A kick in the ass would  be nice now.

33 - Peace That Passes Understanding

I wish I had taken notes today - there was more than once I wanted to copy what was said and reflect on it later.  I watched one of Oprah Winfrey's Super Soul Sunday discussions with Marianne Williamson (see here), a discussion on Return to Love 20 years later. I never read the book, though I have it ... right here beside me, actually.  And perhaps I can see it again and note these points later ... but right now, there were two that I do remember. 

One thought was an "hmmm" moment on the discussion of God's Will - the Will of God.  One struggle I've often had was on the whole free will vs. fate - has God truly given us free choice? or is there an ultimate purpose for each of us?  If we are destined to something, this kind of flies in the face of my developing thoughts on universal salvation, and that bothers me.  However, Williamson said something that made me go "hmmm". (20.00 ish) .... For every person there is an individual curriculum (she suggests that our purpose here is for learning), the universe is invested in your enlightenment (14.30), which leads to a 'file' titled 'God's Will for You' created. If my heart's not open, then the ultimate file will not download into my heart.  His will for you is always there, waiting to come to you in its fullness, in one way or another, through one person or another, but it is there ... all we have to do is posture our heart to a state of love to receive it.  Maybe in there, somewhere, is the balance between free will vs fate?

The second thought was on my struggle with 'happiness' ... she says 'God wants you to be happy', and this sits off with me.  "Where ever we are, we are on that path right now," she said.  And, there is something in here that I like - the difference between the ego and the spirit; to draw towards one (the former) is pulling towards fear, which is toxic.  But the other, the Spirit is about love, about peace, about the heart being open to miracles (the shift from fear to love), then it's about possibility, about receiving, about being present in the All that Is. "Happiness", to her, seems to be living in this state of love - not about our circumstances but about the state of our heart.  And, that I like.

I need to open myself to what God wants for me for it is better to be in the Will of God than out of it.  Who do I need to forgive? Who do I need to bless?

Gratitude Moments for Today
1/ Today, I'm grateful for getting together with MJ for a Super Soul Sunday, and to pray with her.
2/ Today, I'm grateful for another week ahead of me, where I can seek movement to where God wants me to go, and to take action on that.
3/ Today, I'm grateful for the beautiful weather! Crisp, but sunny.
4/ Today, I'm grateful for getting through last week on my budget! with $16 left over!!
5/ Today, I'm grateful for being conscious of what I do and sensitive to the voice inside - I need to sleep in my bed for the night, and tonight I will try a few things to change my sleepless nights around. I hope I can address this and change what needs to be changed so I can face into the day and week with energy and enthusiasm and excitement. 

32 - Purpose of Life

A while ago, I had a conversation with my brother.  The discussion centered on state of people today, their 'heart struggles', generational traits and issues, and what internal needs are showing themselves and will only show more as time goes on.  We talked about a few observations of the world around us, with attempt to avoid placing judgement -

• The generation aging right now is the Boomers. Generally, they were raised in bio-mom/dad families, they had at least 1 or more dinners together, if they got in trouble at school, they'd get in trouble at home.

• Generally, the Boomers went to church either regularly or, more likely, one to twice a year. Generally, if they weren't Biblically literate, they knew the basics and had a general belief in what they believed was in there (theology correctness, aside).
• The generations that come after the Boomers - starting in the GenX and progressively stronger into the GenY (or the Millennials) and the GenZ - are experiencing a huge shift.  Ways of thinking and ways of interacting and ways of behaving that we have never seen before.  And yes, I would say primarily brought on by technology, but not only because of that.  
• General observations: (1) Disillusionment on religion (aka Christianity) as an organization and form of control have led to a mass exodus away from any kind of bible teaching, and thus a great ignorance is prevalent on what is in that book.  Assumptions are rampant and individual determination of what is right along with the rise of individual religious choices is growing. (2) A self-focused world-view ("make me happy" or "if you don't make me happy, I'll ..." or the growth of the 'selfie' ... didn't I write on this a bit ago?) is entrenched and strengthening.  (3)  There are more children that come from broken homes now than those that come from a bio-mom/dad family.  Kitchen tables are frequently used for all sorts of other things and a family sit-down dinner?  Not often, especially if the child lives in a single-parent home. (4) We still use words like 'commitment' and 'love' but I question whether we really know what it means, much less live these words.  I think frequently a person is 'committed' and 'loves' someone, as long as that person meets my needs and gives me what I want.

I love the two attached quotes on life's purpose.  Which one do you agree with? It can't be both, so which one? Or, maybe it's something else?  And then consider: "Today's society is characterized by achievement orientation, and consequently adores people who are successful and happy and, in particular, it adores the young and youthful. It virtually ignores the value of all those who are otherwise, and in so doing blurs the decisive difference between being valuable in the sense of dignity and being valuable in the sense of usefulness. If one is not cognizant of this difference and holds that an individual's value stems only from his present usefulness, then one owes it only to personal inconsistency not to plead for euthanasia along the lines of Hitler's program, that is to say, "mercy" killing of all those who have lost their societal usefulness, be it because of old age, incurable illness, mental deterioration, or whatever handicaps they may suffer." (~V.Frankl)  And where does this leave us?  Chew on that for a while.

What is the connection that all of these have with each other? Can you see one?

I could write a book on this.  Especially when you factor in the discussion I had with VG today.   I once said we are living in interesting times ... I think that more now than ever.  And, I suspect that, generally, things will not be getting better.  And I'm an optimist!  I still believe there are great things out there for me ...

Today's Moments of Gratitude
1/ Today, I'm grateful for the sense of peace and assurance that I experience inside me. It might not be my purpose, but I know that comes from a belief in the future and a process.
2/ Today, I'm grateful that there are things to be grateful for that I have no control over - like if someone will call me, if I will find a great parking spot, if the weather is good, etc.
3/ Today, I'm grateful for those things that I do have influence over - like calling someone else, choosing to go for a walk, what things I choose to spend my time on, etc. I need to act on those more!
4/ Today, I'm grateful to 'get it'.  In spite of everything, and the human side of questioning, in my opinion and my world, I get it.
5/ Today, I'm grateful for the dawning decision for direction.  I am still open to change, but this decision will definitely affect things in a good way. A purposeful way.

31 - Love My Family Pt 2

I have had those moments lately where I've been whining about the absence of support in my life.  Yes, I know that I have friends that check in with me every so often (and RA often calls me for a few min every day), but sometimes I feel I get lost in the shuffle.  I know that those things that are deep in me, those things that keep me awake at night are not the things I share.  I don't what to make it all about me, so I keep silent and I let it be all about them.  Sometimes, I'll open that "Pandora's Box" a crack, but not for long and not for much. 

So, what I have decided to do is ... something completely opposite, something by my choice - I am going to talk to my nephew and niece separately once a week, as long as they want, and make it all about them.  It's odd when that happens - I come away from the conversation feeling stronger and able to take hold of my own problems.  And, my own problems really are much less than what these two (and my brother) are burdened with right now.  I talk to my brother a lot - a good 3-4 hrs a week, often at one time, but I realized that though I always asked about them, they didn't know it.  And, they didn't know how much I love them and care about them.  I know, for me, time spent with a person is important to me, spend time with me and I 'read' it that you care about me  - so, since I really don't know them really well, we'll start here and go from there.  In this way, I also feel like I have a family.

What does this do about my "Pandora's Box" of emotions?  I'm not sure ... all that is still there.  I guess that will be for another entry.  But, for here, the phone calls to my niece, my nephew and my brother, and letting them talk about their burdens, and not including and inserting my issues, does help me in a way with mine. 

Gratitude Moments for Today 
1/ Today, I'm grateful for spending time with my nephew.  He really is an amazing kid ... and we even talked about the Charlie Hedbow incident!  I joked once about this, because it's a huge thing with so many layers, and that it really isn't something to talk about with young people - and yet, when I brought up the incident, my nephew knew of the attack! We didn't talk much, but a bit.  How many Grade 8 students do you know that can talk about that??  This will be good practice for me to learn to ask questions that open the door to discussion, that encourages him to talk.
2/ Today, I'm grateful that TK called me to talk.  I know she is going through a bit of a challenging time, out of her comfort zone, and I'm grateful that she calls me to vent her burden. I'm honoured that she trusts me that much.
3/ Today, I'm grateful that I could be home for these phone calls.  I was going to go out to a friend's but was so exhausted and chose to stay home.  And I'm grateful that I did.
4/ Today, I'm grateful for the beautiful weather that continues!  This is so abnormal for this time of the year, and the snow is returning (and so, probably, is the complaining!), so I appreciate it and enjoy it while I can!
5/ Today, I'm grateful for the opportunity that is before me.  Not sure what to do with it yet, but I do recognize it as an opportunity, a gift.

30 - *Sigh ...

I knew there was a chance that days like this would come.  In part, everything is different this time.  Different than any other time I've been unemployed. This time, no one to encourage me on; no one to fall back on.  And, in that, I am a bit scared.  I could get really lost if things got bad, and I only have me to keep me from going there.  So, I'm doing what I can to look forward, work forward, think forward.  And, every day, push further into that forward place. 

I don't think I will post daily, but I will as I can.  If nothing else, I want to show that there is a low point, and at some point, it will turn around.  It has to.  And, I'd like to have it recorded here - for me, and for anyone that happens upon this. 

Gratitude Moments for Today
1/ Today, I'm grateful for getting going at a good time this morning.
2/ Today, I'm grateful for getting things done today - a resume out (re-write) and script for tomorrow.
3/ Today, I'm grateful for the check-in call I got from RA. 
4/ Today, I'm grateful for the dream I had last night - it prompted me to email LL and had a lovely phone call from her tonight!
5/ Today, I'm grateful for clean sheets, warm bed and fantastic weather!

29 - Love my Family

There are times when I know that, from the outside, that I don't seem like a good person.  It's not that I'm unethical or immoral, but that I get lost. And things in my world get so crazy that I don't know how to get out of the mess I find myself in.  I'm willing to take responsibility for my messed up world; but something happens and I get lost in that world.

Tonight, I decided to take the first of what I hope are many steps.  I called to talk to my niece ... just her, and no one else.  I am going to do the same with my nephew - call and talk to only him.  Many times, I sit and look at their pictures and imagine what their world must be like.  The hell they must be going through.  I really enjoyed talking to my niece - she played the flute for me (she's really good!), we talked about reading (she recommended The Fault in our Stars), we talked about school, how she loves Math the best and doesn't like Social Studies because she doesn't understand maps.  I hung up on her and wept ... she sounded so positive, until I said that I know she's going through a tough time.  Then I knew things were not as happy as they sounded.

I need to turn things around.

Gratitude Moments Today
1/ Today, I'm so grateful to have such a wonderful niece.  I know she's going through a mess she found herself in and had no part in it and I hope I can help her somehow.  Maybe a phone call a week can start. This whole thing makes me so sick, I have no idea where to start or what to do.  So, I'll start here.
2/ Today, I'm grateful for getting a few resumes out.
3/ Today, I'm grateful for the beautiful weather - it's there, I need to make use of it more!
4/ Today, I'm grateful for the phone call I got from RA ... it's nice to get those every so often!
5/ Today, I'm grateful for opportunities still open to me.

28 - Obsession with Self

We are in interesting times ... Mental Disorders are on the rise, and it's our fault.  I thought that disorders were from a condition that we could not control - something genetic or environmental (age old question, there!) ... but I think we could come to the conclusion soon that we can bring on our own disorders.  And, when we don't know we are doing it ... then it can be a bit scary.

My brother and I have often discussed this topic in relation to people around us - self-obsession or egotism.  Our conversation has since taken a more personal turn as we have begun to peel back the superficial layer of the appearance-obsessed around us.  Daily gym visits, money on skin products and procedures to eliminate wrinkles, diets to see that 'magic number', achieving the label of 'cougar', and I'm sure it continues just as strong for men.  To the point of broken relationships, bullying and suicide, self-hatred ... and the self-obsession propaganda that proliferate Facebook and other social media.  To quote some I've seen: "Happiness starts with You - not with your relationships, not with your job, not with your money, but with you." Who?  the self, the ego. Or, a personal favourite that is 'all about me' ... "If they miss you, they will call. If they want you, they'll say it. If they care, they'll show it. And if not, they're not worth your time."  Am I the only one that sees the arrogance and self-centeredness in this quote? It has nothing to do with the challenges or difficulties the other person might be going through, just that 'my' needs are not being met. And the ever-lovely: "Sometimes you just have to throw on a crown and show them who they're dealing with." Ummm .... see it?  And, mark my words, it is not going to be getting better.  Just so long as 'I' am happy, then nothing else matters, and I'm always, right, correct?  Oh my.

Gratitude Moments for Today
1/ Today, I'm grateful for running into Linda at my nail place before Christmas - today, she did my hair and I'm glad to have found her!  We see similar on things, which is great!
2/ Today, I'm grateful the sunshine - people are complaining of the cold weather again, and the fact is that it's around -10, which really is not bad, and the sun is shining, which is really quite good!
3/ Today, I'm grateful for PN - I get the feeling that she really is trying to help me, not only with ideas but also with encouragement.
4/ Today, I'm grateful for getting a call from RA.  Hearing her voice is always nice.
5/ Today, I'm grateful for my warm bed ... I really need to benefit from that earlier in the day! In other words, I need to go to bed earlier so I can enjoy my pre-heated bed earlier in the day.

27 - Good News / Bad News

I heard something on Dr. Phil today that rather resonated with me. The visual here is a reminder of that, even though the concept is a bit different.  And, this is nothing new to me, and yet, for some reason, it hit me as a bit of a slap up-side the head.  Dr. Phil said to his guest today, "The bad news is that this is your responsibility; the good news is that this is your responsibility."  And that's what this boils down to, right?  The bad news - I gotta take care of this myself.  I need to take responsibility for it, no one can bail me out, no one can rescue me.  The good news?  At one point in my life, I will look back on this and see the goodness in it. I know it's times like this that can totally change a life; if I let go of that which is holding me back (be that in my mind or something real), then the world should be my oyster.  Oh, how to do that is the question?

Gratitude Moments for Today
1/ Today, I'm grateful that there are still things I can be grateful for!
2/ Today, I'm grateful for getting in to get my nails done.  Two things that are important to me ... for appearance reasons - nails and hair.  Today and tomorrow.
3/ Today, I'm grateful for sleeping in the morning and remembering to take my meds yesterday, even if it was 1:00 AM!
4/ Today, I'm grateful for the note I got today from a friend at my old job.  I'm glad he had encouraging things to say to me! It was nice to hear from him.
5/ Today, I'm grateful that I still have hope, that there is still time so it really is in my hands.  And it really is up to me.  If it is to be, it's up to me.

Oddly, this has nothing to do with egotism ... sometimes I wish I had more confidence in myself because maybe this would be resolved quicker.  I'm not selfish - but in a way I have to be.  No one is going to rescue me so I have to do it for myself.  I have to value myself enough that I do push myself forward and do what I need to do to bring about what I need.  Because if not, it's not long before I'll be homeless.  And no one can change that but me. So, if that's not enough to be a little "selfish" ... or, what would you call it? ... then what is?

26 - Note, Assess, Change?

Feeling like a failure today ... or at least that I'm not where I want to be.  I don't understand ... I think the reality of my situation is starting to sink in and I'm not sure about a lot of things.  I don't want to focus on it and yet ... no..  They say what you focus on becomes your reality.  Even if i have moved forward and moved back, think of it like re-traveling over familiar ground so I should be able to do it faster to get back where I once was.  Right?

Gratitude Moments for Today
1/ Today, I'm grateful for getting the resume in.
2/ Today, I'm grateful for realizing a position I was going to go for was not in Alberta ... before I sent a submission!
3/ Today, I'm grateful for getting protein powder. No reason now!
4// Today, I'm grateful for getting my last pair of glasses.  I might not have done the best with the styles, but they'll be good enough for now.  And, two of them are nice.
5/ Today, I'm grateful for money in the bank for this month. Spend less, have more.

Take note ... what has happened?  What can I observe?  What can I assess? And ... what's the first step to change? Just one step? What would it be?

25 - Preparing for the Journey

How to do you achieve a goal? do a project?  Do you just dive in? do you do any kind of preparation? ... if you go on a holiday, do you jump in your car and go or do you take some time to prepare?

I'm going to embark on a bit of a 'journey', starting Sunday.  I've thought of this and have mentally prepared for it.  I'm not sure how much I will share here - it's only for 10 days and it's more of an inward journey as I really can't go anywhere.  Today and tomorrow, I'm putting the final touches on the preparation and will begin Sunday morning.  I'm really hoping that something will come of this, at the very least, let this be a catalyst for something wonderful to come.  (A mini-mini-mini 100 Day Challenge??)

Today's Gratitude Moments
1/ Today, I'm grateful for finally getting to sleep last night and getting up at a relatively good hour.
2/ Today, I'm grateful for spending the day on getting out resumes.
3/ Today, I'm grateful for knowing that I might still be called for an interview from the PPT screening.
4/ Today, I'm grateful for cleaning out my fridge and spending a bit of time preparing for Sunday.
5/ Today, I'm grateful for the people who checked in on me.  Thank you to both of them!!

24 - Happiness, Success and Self-Actualization

Abraham Maslow is a psychologist who proposed a variety of developmental concepts for various components of living.  The one illustrated here is his developmental theory on human motivation - what are the needs we are motivated to obtain in order to develop further.  If, for some reason, as we move up the ladder, a previous step is lost (eg. if I become homeless / 'safety' step), then I need to return there to ensure that is taken care of before I can move on.

This came into play in a discussion I had tonight with my brother.  We were talking about the narcissism in our world, how prevalent it is in every imaginable place.  And yes, how we are part of it as well.  What we pondered was ... is that point of SA a point of ultimate self-obsession or a form of narcissism (complete obsession to obtain self-happiness at all costs because all other stages are focused on the self) or is SA something different? We live in a society obsessed with the self, with the image you see when you look in the mirror (how much money is spent on gym memberships? skin procedures? diet tricks? ... why is it a status for older women to be called 'Cougars'?) and if you don't like what you see, then you go out to find a way to change it, even to the point of putting your life, family, everything in jeopardy.  It was an interesting conversation and definitely made me look at myself.

I stopped for coffee and read a bit of Frankl's book Man's Search for Meaning ... "Don't aim at success -- the more you aim at it and make it a target, the more you are going to miss it. For success, like happiness, cannot be pursued; it must ensue, and it only does so as the unintended side-effect of one's personal dedication to a cause greater than oneself or as the by-product of one's surrender tot a person other than oneself.  Happiness must happen, and the same holds for success: you have to let it happen by not caring about it.  I want you to listen to what your conscious commands you to do and go on to carry it out to the best of your knowledge.  Then you will live to see that in the long run -- in the long run, I say! -- success will follow you precisely because you had forgotten to think of it."  Part of self-obsession or not?

Gratitude Moments for Today
1/ Today, I'm grateful to have a good talk with my brother; I love when we peel back the layers of what we are seeing and examine what we perceive.
2/ Today, I'm grateful that I spent the time reviewing PPT last night because I know I did awesome on the assessment today.
3/ Today, I'm grateful for how the day went - up until about 1:30. Focus on what went well, not what went south, and endeavour to continue the good parts tomorrow!
4/ Today, I'm grateful to have a pre-warmed bed to crawl into at the end of the day!
5/ Today, I'm grateful for the fire I'm starting to feel. Please, let it flare up!

23 - Diving ...

Now comes the challenge - no time to worry, no time to regret, no time to fear.  Jump.  Prove it!

Today, I drafted up a darn good resume for a position in corporate learning, probably along the lines of administration / coordination.  I had found a few positions but I never applied for them.  Now, I have the resume so gotta send those puppies out tomorrow!  No word on the interview results yet, but not going to wait around. 



Gratitude Moments for Today
1/ Today, I'm grateful for getting to have supper with KA - it was so nice to spend time with her this weekend!
2/ Today, I'm grateful for getting the things prepped for the audit of one of my online submissions for reimbursement.  I normally leave things like this to closer to the due date but this time, I got it done in a timely fashion, copies made for my own reference, and envelope ready for mailing for a walk tomorrow!
3/ Today, I'm grateful for my electric blanket - so fantastic to crawl in to a pre-heated bed at night! 
4/ Today, I'm grateful for the growing desire to push past these problems.  I don't do very well encouraging myself sometimes, especially when it seems that so much is against me.  So, when I feel his strength in me, I know that is the time to act, because I don't know when another slump will happen.  I have two options - win or give up ... give up is akin to failing greatly.  Which path to walk? I want to win ... I need to win ... Fear, be gone!
5/ Today, I'm grateful for finding positions posted.  At least I'm finding things.  

22 - Oscar Night!

Tonight was the culmination to the last 2 months of cinematic enjoyment - the night of the Academy Awards for Motion Pictures.  I love film - all of it; from its vision to its creation to the final presentation.  It has to be a real waste of celluloid for me to not find some value in a film, and I'm not one of those to point out all the flaws as if I'm the only one who identifies quality in the art.  I have a problem with people who are vocal against a movie but (a) can't tell you why they don't like it, or (b) can't tell you what they would have done to make it better, or - worst of all - (c) diss a movie because of something the director never set out to do to begin with.  This insistence that we play God is driving me nuts - no wonder our world is so f-ed up in so many ways! And, this year's nominations were good ones, in my opinion.  Lots of value in all of them!

I will say that I pegged the top winners (Supporting Actress - Patricia Arquette Boyhood; Actor - J.K. Simmons Whiplash; Best Actress - Julianne Moore Still Alice; Actor - Eddie Redmayne Theory of Everything.  I was split on the last two (Director and Film) ... I, personally, liked Birdman better but I saw the amazing commitment and achievement in Boyhood and really thought the Academy would go that route.  They went Birdman, for both.  I guess if I was a betting man, I would have gone with the former and not trusted my own preference, which, in this case, would have been reliable.

Gratitude Moments from Today
1/ Today, I am grateful for having a guest over for the evening and night - KA - my movie partner!
2/ Today, I am grateful for hearing from my brother.  He's not doing well and it hurts me so much that I can't help him! This whole thing makes no sense; I've never heard anything like it, even in all the reading and movie-watching I've done.  It makes no sense.
3/ Today, I am grateful for the air bed I bought a long time ago.  It was a good investment for when visitors visit.
4/ Today, I am grateful for the ability to find something of value in almost anything. Not only to find it but to focus on it as well.
5/ Today, I am grateful for being able to pause, if only for the moment.  Forget the stressors and enjoy the moment ... in this case, a bunch of moments, watching the Awards ceremony! And, shed a couple of tears in the moments of emotion.

** Added later - it seems that the rest of the world is baffled as to why Boyhood didn't win either!

21 - Time to Dig In

As the conclusion of the tasks for the one job wind down, I need to start ramping up the tasks of the other ... namely, my new job is "get a job".  I think all is done; just to send in receipts and the end of my time with that company is finished.  There's a part of me that is feeling panic starting to rise.  This is the first time in my life when I have had no one to lean on, no one to fall back on if things get bad.  Just me.  And, that's scary.  I've made it before in the past, but I've also known there was a safety net.  Now, I have no net.  So, it is important to stay calm, stay focused and maintain a productive stance.

Tomorrow are the Academy Awards - I will relax and enjoy and dive in on Monday.

Gratitude Moments for Today
1/ Today, I'm grateful for getting to try on my new glasses, the ones that I saw only once.  They're plastic, and darkish and will be a nice alternate to the ones I did get. By the end of the week, I'll be wearing glasses I can see out of!
2/ Today, I'm grateful for picking up the last of my medications: a three-month supply of the Xarelto.  I'm pretty sure that I have enough now to last me to my birthday in October!
3/ Today, I'm grateful for the amazing weather we have been having! Honestly, when other parts of the country are buried in record snowfalls, and we are walking around in light jackets and running shoes, it is a nice change.
4/ Today, I'm grateful for coffee and Irish Cream.  I know it's my guilty pleasure and I need to take a break from it soon, but for today, I'll enjoy another day.
5/ Today, I'm grateful for my brother and my niece and nephew ... if I think on them too much, I will weep. 

20 - Endings / Beginnings

Today is the official end of my time with the company I worked at for 3+ years.  All coverage, all responsibilities, all contracts end today.  And, as the day nears close, I approach it with mixed feelings. It was good to be part of the O&G industry, to meet people in different walks of life, to find out that yes, what I know does translate to that realm.  There were lots of good things about it.  And, there were some frustrating parts as well ... mostly having to do with "they get paid how much do to what???" And, to see how admins are not seen or treated as an integral part of the team (and thus paid a fraction of what the other incomes are).  At least, where I worked, that's how it was. 

So, as one line finishes, I ready myself for the start of a new one ... one that hopefully will pay better, one that will be more professional in all respects and and if not, then have a bunch of pluses that will pay off in the next one!  The interview today went ok, but not so good that I am confident.  Some good questions though! 

Gratitude Moments for Today
1/ Today, I'm grateful to have had the opportunity for the interview.  It was good to see how I reacted under pressure!
2/ Today, I'm grateful for the opportunity to work with a company like I did.  There were lots of good things about that experience.
3/ Today, I'm grateful for getting a lot done by the time my coverage runs out.  I might be short on money now, but when I am reimbursed, it will be not so bad again.
4/ Today, I'm grateful for the boots I bought ... at the time, I was concerned it might be a bit of wasteful spending.  However, today, when I put on my outfit and saw how the boots were the perfect completion, and that they felt quite comfortable as well, I felt much better about my purchase!
5/ Today, I'm grateful that RA made it home safe.  We don't have much snow, but others do.  And I'm glad she made it home safe in the weather she had. (And, it was nice to talk to her during her drive!)

19 - Confidence or Narcissism?

A couple of years ago, a person I thought was a good friend turned on me, accused me of being a narcissist and removed herself from my life.  I was stunned. This hit me in a way that made me fearful to interact with others - what if I was and I didn't realize it?   Every time I looked in the mirror, I wondered - am I a narcissist? Even today, I chew on that a bit and reflect back over my life (as only I can) and tell myself, no - she is wrong.  As fate would have it, it turns out that there is someone in my life that really is a narcissist, and one that is leaving quite a wake of destruction in her path.  I don't want to get into who it is, but I do want to grapple with this a bit - first: what is it?  

From the internet -- Narcissistic personality disorder, also known as NPD, is a personality disorder in which the individual has a distorted self image, unstable and intense emotions, is overly preoccupied with vanity, prestige, power and personal adequacy, lacks empathy, and has an exaggerated sense of superiority.  That's not me ... and that's not how this former friend referred to me.  I think she threw the word out to me because she perceived me as talking always about myself, about making everything about me, about not giving to others.  I would beg to differ, but instead of correcting her, let's say for this that it's true. Hmmm ... that is not in the definition of NPD! A personality disorder is a serious thing and I can confidently say that I do not have this disorder.  Other disorders, perhaps, but not this one.

What about a plain ol' narcissist? Is that possible?  Something tells me that narcissism is more than thinking highly of yourself. We do live in a world where we are encouraged to think highly of ourselves, to love ourselves, to have a positive self-image ... but there is a line that is easily crossed to where it all goes wrong. The other line is the other side of that coin - where we take responsibility for our lives and correct mistakes we made and relationships we hurt ... walking a bit further it goes from "it's all my fault" to "I am bad."

I have come to the conclusion that most people who use that word, truly don't know what it means ... and I also think it is probably more prevalent in our world than we realize.  I think a lot of people who use that word to point fingers are, in fact, struggling with something themselves. 

Is narcissism prevalent in me?  Hmmm ... aye, there's the rub! 

Gratitude Moments for Today
1/ Today, I am grateful for having the means to professionalize my wardrobe a bit more.  Interviews are not easy and that first impression means a lot!  Add to that - age, weight, grey hair ... 2 of the three I can do nothing about.  So, it is imperative that I do something about the things I can affect!  And, now, I have a kick-ass interview outfit (or two!).
2/ Today, I'm grateful that I was one of the ones picked for the interview at Stantec tomorrow.  I've weighed the sides well, and if offered, I'll take it.  If not offered, then the practice is great!
3/ Today, I'm grateful for the continued beautiful weather!  When I read about the horrific weather out east (snowbanks big enough to bury cars!), it is a treat to wear capris and light shoes outside in February!
4/ Today, I'm grateful for the glasses I decided to buy.  They are both different enough from each other that they will be fun to wear and for once in my life, I'll have a choice!
5/ Today, I'm grateful for the friends in my life that check in with me occasionally to see how I'm doing. If it wasn't for them, my life could get mighty isolated!

18 - Early to Bed

Am writing earlier tonight, because I'm going to bed earlier.  I've done my dishes for the day and will make my list of tasks for tomorrow and, if the winds are right, I will be asleep by 10:30. Much to do, only so much time to do it in.

Gratitude Moments for Today
1/ Today, I'm grateful for a fantastic hour long massage. One more booked for Friday!
2/ Today, I'm grateful for my brother and the a text discussion we had.  I always come away from our discussions with a renewed sense of determination, for different reasons each time, but the renewed desire to push forward is always there. I've always been proud of my brother, even when he drove me nuts ... and now a whole new respect for him as he walks through this valley.
3/ Today, I'm grateful for the talk I had with another former AMEC admin.  It encouraged me to encourage her.
4/ Today, I'm grateful for TV shows like the one I saw.  Shows that might be difficult to watch but resonate within.  Shows that intend to teach a lesson. 
5/ Today, I'm grateful for who I am.  The things I don't like, I can change; the things I can't change, I love. A pretty good place to be for my age!

Bring on tomorrow!!

17 - What a Mess!

I'm spinning my wheels, and starting to worry.  And I know the worry is pre-mature; I know this because there are still lots of ideas I need to take action on.  I am faltering today, not sure of a lot.  Sometimes it works to stop and tell myself of the strengths, sometimes it doesn't.

Later in the evening, I went to see another double-viewing of movies with my movie buddy, KA.  As 'fate' would have it, I ended up sitting beside a woman who provided an opportunity to speak about my love of making a difference in others' lives.  When I start to doubt myself, as I did today, I need to not only remind me of what my strengths are, I need to relive those moments of passion - like when I spoke to the lady beside me in the theatre.  The quote attached is so relevant to me right now.  I need to push through this, I need to give myself healthy, loving treatment - that doesn't mean giving in to every little whim, but it does mean using time in the day as I know it should be used. There was an article I read today - "Three Habits Productive People Find Time For Every Day" found here.  What are these three habits? (1) Become an early riser by going to bed early. (2) Start every day with an intention, focus, or meditation. (3) Physical activity.  Do it.  A good place to start, no?

Gratitude Moments for Today
1/ Today, I'm grateful for the call I received from Executive Solutions.  It gave me hope.
2/ Today, I'm grateful for spending the evening with KA.
3/ Today, I'm grateful for KA to push me to make an appointment for a massage for tomorrow.  So much I need to do before my coverage runs out!
4/ Today, I'm grateful for really wanting to be honest with myself and really wanting to come out stronger.  I want to prove it to myself - that what I know does change lives, and I want to start with mine.  It's not only about what I know but what I learn from others.  The answer is out there; there is a door that holds the answer.  Keep knocking on doors!
5/ Today, I'm grateful for hope - I have hope! When you are being re-made, the road gets rough, but it's worth it! 

16 - Happy Family Day!

Family Day has become one of those odd holidays for me.  I am to this day as as square peg is to a round hole.  I don't fit.  What's more, with the events of the last while, though I still believe fully and completely in the need for family for a healthy person, so many families are not healthy and I start to wonder at the point of it all.

For me, Family Day was a day like any other day.  Valentine's Day was a day like any other day.  I did things I needed to do and I ended the day watching a movie - an Oscar contender.  It was good - interesting.  Boyhood.  I suspect it might get best picture, though I have yet to give my final thoughts on who I think will get the Golden Man.  This was a film about families, about growing up and finding our way, making mistakes and continuing on. The part that will get the Oscar is that it is the same cast, filmed over 12 years.

Gratitude Moments for Today
1/ Today, I am grateful for a legitimate holiday.
2/ Today, I am grateful to have spent the evening with KA, and that I have someone to enjoy these movies with!
3/ Today, I am grateful though there are times when I feel like a square peg in a round hole, that for the most part, I'm ok with that.  I'm ok with seeing things differently.
4/ Today, I am grateful for the family I have - my brother, who I love dearly; my niece and nephew, who mean the world to me, and my sister-in-law.
5/ Today, I'm grateful for being in the place I am ... it's not easy but I believe, even though the economy is what it is, there is still opportunity for me. And, at least, there's only me I have to care about!

15 - Once Seen

If you did a search for the meme on the left, you'd find a bunch of comical pictures - from cats with bug eyes to fat people doing embarrassing things to scary sites at your local Walmart.  Though these all fit the bill, that's not the particular thought that has been on my mind today.

A movie was released on the 13th - the film version of the novel 50 Shades of Gray.  Now, I have the books, I've read through most of them - I know the books, their characters, content and themes.  I've seen the video clips, heard interviews, know about the craze.  My opinions and thoughts are also based on what I believe when it comes to film as an art form, as a teaching tool and as entertainment.  I believe I have more than a passing curiosity about psychology, character development, human behavior and motivation. I have engaged in more than one discussion about the books and their subsequent film(s?) and have read my share of comments and opinions on both sides.  In other words, I'm not casually throwing my thoughts out there with no weighing of all sides.  The content of the story is BDSM - and the popularity of this novel is like wildfire.  Not only the books (which have outsold almost every other book out there), but it has turned into a franchise.  The woman, who wrote the books as an offshoot of a Twilight fan-fiction, who wrote it as a mid-life crisis for the "fairy tale romance" is raking in the money like no one's seen.  I acknowledge everyone has their opinion on this and so do I.  Simply -  there are things that once seen cannot be unseen ... and I'm not talking about the BDSM components of the book and film.  

I am very concerned as to how this is going to affect us as a society in the long run.  There is so much in the novel, and the movie, that is damaging and harmful and yes, destructive.  With everything that has gone on in my family, in the past and now recently, this is far from a "fairy tale romance".  And I'm not even going to get into how atrociously it is written.  They say we are advancing as a civilization?  I call bullshit.  

There is a movie out there American History X - a very good movie.  It is like night and day to FSoG, but there is a similarity.  It is good (unlike FSoG) - it is well-written, the message is hard and solid, it is well-acted, well-executed and well-presented.  It contributes to a knowledge and understanding in the viewer that promotes a healthy awareness of self and world.  But there is a scene in it - 'curb-stomping' - that I refuse to watch.  I know what it is, I know what happens.  And I will watch the entire movie but not that scene.  It, like the movie FSoG, can never be unseen once seen.  And, though the action is difficult (or odd, in the case of FSoG), but it is the intent behind the action, the utter hatred, the complete lack of care for humanity, the power, the vile cruelty that I do not want to see.  What I find interesting, for me, is that I will read the books but I will not watch - I wonder what that's about?  Something about seeing - I do not want to see the power, the using for self-gratification, the control, the absence of ... of ... something fundamental to humanity.  In FSoG, the main character is a narcissist in the beginning, and as far as I can tell, he never deals with the psychopathology he exhibits. As she, the female lead, does not either - and this is what we are holding up as something to aspire to?? Everyone talks about how good the novels are, how liberating, how promoting self-awareness, but they never talk about the illness and how sick these characters are.  Oh, I could get into it much more but I won't.  I would rather fill my viewing with something with a message to make me a better person. 

A fantastic article that captures my concern perfectly - here
And an article on the pathology of the phenomena (again, voicing perfectly my concerns) - here

Gratitude Moments for Today 
1/ Today, I'm grateful for getting my place clean to the point where I am no longer anxious!  It's not perfectly clean, but I am no longer irate with where it is at!
2/ Today, I'm grateful for having a nice, clean bed to crawl into! 
3/ Today, I'm grateful for the cheap table I found at Ikea ... it's a perfect fit! 
4/ Today, I'm grateful for one more week of pay ahead of me!  Let's make every day count! 
5/ Today, I'm grateful for FINALLY getting my wash bucket cleaned out!  Why I don't do it right away, I don't know. At the instant of completing that, I felt the tension completely leave me!

14 - Happy Single's Awareness Day

I'm not going to get into a big thing on Valentine's Day or being single or bitterness or joy over it, what love is or is not, the commercialism or meaning in this day, etc. etc. etc. ... it is what it is.  That is in my journal and not here.  All that aside, what this means right now is that I'm single, and it is to my benefit to enjoy this season of life (for however long it lasts!) for all the blessings it can give me and to set the bad stuff that goes with it aside for now.

I found a beautiful statement on a website called: The Single Woman ... and I'm just going to repeat it here.  For single women (and some might fit men also!) ... there ARE good things about being single!

Reasons I'm Not Sad I'm Single - (found here)
- I like the idea of sharing my life with someone…I’m just not sure I’m ready to share my closet. (67 pairs of shoes and counting…)
- First kisses.
- Messy breakups.
- Because some days I just don’t feel like shaving my legs. (Shhhh…)
- Last week I had a hot fudge cake for dinner…and I didn’t feel guilty about not sharing.
- About 85% of the movies on my shelf are chick flicks. And I am unapologetic.
- Because I only watch the Superbowl for the halftime show.
- One day a friend called me up and said: “Let’s take a road trip to the beach…tomorrow.” I said: “Okay.” And I didn’t ask anyone’s permission.
- Some nights I like to sleep on the right side of the bed, others, the left side. And some nights…right smack dab in the middle.
- I don’t have to battle anyone for the remote control.
- Because I have the freedom to choose either my way OR the highway…and both are equally appealing.
- I spend as much time with God as I want. He’s never too busy and always on time.

Gratitude Moments for Today
1/ Today, I'm grateful to be single, for the reasons (and more) listed above.
2/ Today, I'm grateful for setting everything aside and enjoying the day as I wanted, with no guilt and no one making me feel guilty!
3/  Today, I'm grateful  that I didn't have to get out of my PJs for anything!
4/ Today, I'm grateful for the wonderful thoughtful gifts that KA gave me that I opened today and the call that I got from RA ... I didn't spend the entire day completely alone!
5/ Today, I'm grateful for the small text exchange with KS ... if I end time on this planet without meeting him, it will be a definite regret.