35 - What in the World???

I confess, there has been more than once in the past while when I've tuned in to watch Jerry Springer.  And every time, without fail, there is at least once an episode when I shake my head and wonder about people in our world ... and wonder about myself, for watching this crap.  I honestly can't believe there really are people in this world like that - and that they seem to not only populate his stage but also his audience as well!! And, colour of skin makes no difference - they are all nuts!  Mr. Springer seems to be ok, (I've read that he's crass, but I would say his guests and audience are!!) he seems that his head is screwed on pretty straight, his 'Final Thoughts' are always something thoughtful and solid, and yet ... the people ... holy man! What a sorry lot! And his audience? The thing is that it's like a car wreck ... you just can't turn away!  I mean, even if the 'guests' do come prepared to fight, please ... this does nothing for your dignity as a human being! I am embarrassed to be part of the same population as you. Mind you - then I think, will all the new awareness I am developing and all the things I'm noticing, I really shouldn't be surprised, should I?
     It's at times like this I need to practice my right as a viewer - turn the damn thing off!!  There is enough crap that goes into my head without a conscious choice, and, I really don't need this in there as well.  The only positive thing that can come of it is the gratitude (and desire to ensure it does not become so!) for that not being me! Besides, there are much better things I could be doing with my time.


Gratitude for Today
1/ Today, I'm grateful for having at least a sense of human dignity, in comparison to those sad people, anyway!
2/ Today, I'm grateful for the phone calls I got done - I got the same answer for both, but at least I now know my next step!
3/ Today, I'm grateful for the awesome weather!  We are breaking records!!
4/ Today, I'm grateful for my niece and nephew ... I'm really glad that I am in closer touch with them!
5/ Today, I'm grateful for the calls I made ... they should have been done a long time ago, but I did them today.  Next step ...

34 - What I Really Need ...

Something needs to change - something serious.  Something huge.  Something to shatter me to the core.  If there was a list of what one can do wrong, I feel like in the last 2 months, I've done it.  What's more, I am not sure how to stop it. And that's the part that infuriates me the most. I should know how, right?  I have all the tools, I have the smarts, I have the experience ... and yet, I insist on falling on my face and sitting there.  And, my ass grows fatter. 
     Yes, this has to do with employment (or lack of it), but there is much more than that absent paycheque.  It has to do with what I'm capable of, what I believe I am created to achieve (which I don't have an answer to), hot to do my education and my ability honour.  In a way, I'm letting myself down, but that would make it trite. I need to come up with a way to turn my thinking around, and in that, begin progress in a new direction.
     I am not a salesperson - primarily because I'd be hard pressed to come up with one thing that every person needs.  I correct myself - there is one thing every person needs: education.  Higher learning from something beyond yourself.  The thing is ... I believe it but I don't demonstrate it.  And maybe, therein holds the secret to change for me.

Gratitude Moments for Today
1/ Today, I'm grateful for finding other positions than just admin jobs.  I sent a resume today for an instructor position.  Not sure what the class would be, and certain it would not be FTE, but at least it's something different.
2/ Today, I'm grateful for the beautiful weather we are having!  I think it's almost safe to say that winter is over.
3/ Today, I'm grateful for this struggle ... it's not pleasant, but I think for me it is necessary.
4/ Today, I'm grateful for my education ... it helps me view life and situations in different ways, it also has given me tools to address what needs to be addressed - and hopefully, in there lies the change needed.
5/ Today, I'm grateful for another change to make good.  A kick in the ass would  be nice now.

33 - Peace That Passes Understanding

I wish I had taken notes today - there was more than once I wanted to copy what was said and reflect on it later.  I watched one of Oprah Winfrey's Super Soul Sunday discussions with Marianne Williamson (see here), a discussion on Return to Love 20 years later. I never read the book, though I have it ... right here beside me, actually.  And perhaps I can see it again and note these points later ... but right now, there were two that I do remember. 

One thought was an "hmmm" moment on the discussion of God's Will - the Will of God.  One struggle I've often had was on the whole free will vs. fate - has God truly given us free choice? or is there an ultimate purpose for each of us?  If we are destined to something, this kind of flies in the face of my developing thoughts on universal salvation, and that bothers me.  However, Williamson said something that made me go "hmmm". (20.00 ish) .... For every person there is an individual curriculum (she suggests that our purpose here is for learning), the universe is invested in your enlightenment (14.30), which leads to a 'file' titled 'God's Will for You' created. If my heart's not open, then the ultimate file will not download into my heart.  His will for you is always there, waiting to come to you in its fullness, in one way or another, through one person or another, but it is there ... all we have to do is posture our heart to a state of love to receive it.  Maybe in there, somewhere, is the balance between free will vs fate?

The second thought was on my struggle with 'happiness' ... she says 'God wants you to be happy', and this sits off with me.  "Where ever we are, we are on that path right now," she said.  And, there is something in here that I like - the difference between the ego and the spirit; to draw towards one (the former) is pulling towards fear, which is toxic.  But the other, the Spirit is about love, about peace, about the heart being open to miracles (the shift from fear to love), then it's about possibility, about receiving, about being present in the All that Is. "Happiness", to her, seems to be living in this state of love - not about our circumstances but about the state of our heart.  And, that I like.

I need to open myself to what God wants for me for it is better to be in the Will of God than out of it.  Who do I need to forgive? Who do I need to bless?

Gratitude Moments for Today
1/ Today, I'm grateful for getting together with MJ for a Super Soul Sunday, and to pray with her.
2/ Today, I'm grateful for another week ahead of me, where I can seek movement to where God wants me to go, and to take action on that.
3/ Today, I'm grateful for the beautiful weather! Crisp, but sunny.
4/ Today, I'm grateful for getting through last week on my budget! with $16 left over!!
5/ Today, I'm grateful for being conscious of what I do and sensitive to the voice inside - I need to sleep in my bed for the night, and tonight I will try a few things to change my sleepless nights around. I hope I can address this and change what needs to be changed so I can face into the day and week with energy and enthusiasm and excitement. 

32 - Purpose of Life

A while ago, I had a conversation with my brother.  The discussion centered on state of people today, their 'heart struggles', generational traits and issues, and what internal needs are showing themselves and will only show more as time goes on.  We talked about a few observations of the world around us, with attempt to avoid placing judgement -

• The generation aging right now is the Boomers. Generally, they were raised in bio-mom/dad families, they had at least 1 or more dinners together, if they got in trouble at school, they'd get in trouble at home.

• Generally, the Boomers went to church either regularly or, more likely, one to twice a year. Generally, if they weren't Biblically literate, they knew the basics and had a general belief in what they believed was in there (theology correctness, aside).
• The generations that come after the Boomers - starting in the GenX and progressively stronger into the GenY (or the Millennials) and the GenZ - are experiencing a huge shift.  Ways of thinking and ways of interacting and ways of behaving that we have never seen before.  And yes, I would say primarily brought on by technology, but not only because of that.  
• General observations: (1) Disillusionment on religion (aka Christianity) as an organization and form of control have led to a mass exodus away from any kind of bible teaching, and thus a great ignorance is prevalent on what is in that book.  Assumptions are rampant and individual determination of what is right along with the rise of individual religious choices is growing. (2) A self-focused world-view ("make me happy" or "if you don't make me happy, I'll ..." or the growth of the 'selfie' ... didn't I write on this a bit ago?) is entrenched and strengthening.  (3)  There are more children that come from broken homes now than those that come from a bio-mom/dad family.  Kitchen tables are frequently used for all sorts of other things and a family sit-down dinner?  Not often, especially if the child lives in a single-parent home. (4) We still use words like 'commitment' and 'love' but I question whether we really know what it means, much less live these words.  I think frequently a person is 'committed' and 'loves' someone, as long as that person meets my needs and gives me what I want.

I love the two attached quotes on life's purpose.  Which one do you agree with? It can't be both, so which one? Or, maybe it's something else?  And then consider: "Today's society is characterized by achievement orientation, and consequently adores people who are successful and happy and, in particular, it adores the young and youthful. It virtually ignores the value of all those who are otherwise, and in so doing blurs the decisive difference between being valuable in the sense of dignity and being valuable in the sense of usefulness. If one is not cognizant of this difference and holds that an individual's value stems only from his present usefulness, then one owes it only to personal inconsistency not to plead for euthanasia along the lines of Hitler's program, that is to say, "mercy" killing of all those who have lost their societal usefulness, be it because of old age, incurable illness, mental deterioration, or whatever handicaps they may suffer." (~V.Frankl)  And where does this leave us?  Chew on that for a while.

What is the connection that all of these have with each other? Can you see one?

I could write a book on this.  Especially when you factor in the discussion I had with VG today.   I once said we are living in interesting times ... I think that more now than ever.  And, I suspect that, generally, things will not be getting better.  And I'm an optimist!  I still believe there are great things out there for me ...

Today's Moments of Gratitude
1/ Today, I'm grateful for the sense of peace and assurance that I experience inside me. It might not be my purpose, but I know that comes from a belief in the future and a process.
2/ Today, I'm grateful that there are things to be grateful for that I have no control over - like if someone will call me, if I will find a great parking spot, if the weather is good, etc.
3/ Today, I'm grateful for those things that I do have influence over - like calling someone else, choosing to go for a walk, what things I choose to spend my time on, etc. I need to act on those more!
4/ Today, I'm grateful to 'get it'.  In spite of everything, and the human side of questioning, in my opinion and my world, I get it.
5/ Today, I'm grateful for the dawning decision for direction.  I am still open to change, but this decision will definitely affect things in a good way. A purposeful way.

31 - Love My Family Pt 2

I have had those moments lately where I've been whining about the absence of support in my life.  Yes, I know that I have friends that check in with me every so often (and RA often calls me for a few min every day), but sometimes I feel I get lost in the shuffle.  I know that those things that are deep in me, those things that keep me awake at night are not the things I share.  I don't what to make it all about me, so I keep silent and I let it be all about them.  Sometimes, I'll open that "Pandora's Box" a crack, but not for long and not for much. 

So, what I have decided to do is ... something completely opposite, something by my choice - I am going to talk to my nephew and niece separately once a week, as long as they want, and make it all about them.  It's odd when that happens - I come away from the conversation feeling stronger and able to take hold of my own problems.  And, my own problems really are much less than what these two (and my brother) are burdened with right now.  I talk to my brother a lot - a good 3-4 hrs a week, often at one time, but I realized that though I always asked about them, they didn't know it.  And, they didn't know how much I love them and care about them.  I know, for me, time spent with a person is important to me, spend time with me and I 'read' it that you care about me  - so, since I really don't know them really well, we'll start here and go from there.  In this way, I also feel like I have a family.

What does this do about my "Pandora's Box" of emotions?  I'm not sure ... all that is still there.  I guess that will be for another entry.  But, for here, the phone calls to my niece, my nephew and my brother, and letting them talk about their burdens, and not including and inserting my issues, does help me in a way with mine. 

Gratitude Moments for Today 
1/ Today, I'm grateful for spending time with my nephew.  He really is an amazing kid ... and we even talked about the Charlie Hedbow incident!  I joked once about this, because it's a huge thing with so many layers, and that it really isn't something to talk about with young people - and yet, when I brought up the incident, my nephew knew of the attack! We didn't talk much, but a bit.  How many Grade 8 students do you know that can talk about that??  This will be good practice for me to learn to ask questions that open the door to discussion, that encourages him to talk.
2/ Today, I'm grateful that TK called me to talk.  I know she is going through a bit of a challenging time, out of her comfort zone, and I'm grateful that she calls me to vent her burden. I'm honoured that she trusts me that much.
3/ Today, I'm grateful that I could be home for these phone calls.  I was going to go out to a friend's but was so exhausted and chose to stay home.  And I'm grateful that I did.
4/ Today, I'm grateful for the beautiful weather that continues!  This is so abnormal for this time of the year, and the snow is returning (and so, probably, is the complaining!), so I appreciate it and enjoy it while I can!
5/ Today, I'm grateful for the opportunity that is before me.  Not sure what to do with it yet, but I do recognize it as an opportunity, a gift.

30 - *Sigh ...

I knew there was a chance that days like this would come.  In part, everything is different this time.  Different than any other time I've been unemployed. This time, no one to encourage me on; no one to fall back on.  And, in that, I am a bit scared.  I could get really lost if things got bad, and I only have me to keep me from going there.  So, I'm doing what I can to look forward, work forward, think forward.  And, every day, push further into that forward place. 

I don't think I will post daily, but I will as I can.  If nothing else, I want to show that there is a low point, and at some point, it will turn around.  It has to.  And, I'd like to have it recorded here - for me, and for anyone that happens upon this. 

Gratitude Moments for Today
1/ Today, I'm grateful for getting going at a good time this morning.
2/ Today, I'm grateful for getting things done today - a resume out (re-write) and script for tomorrow.
3/ Today, I'm grateful for the check-in call I got from RA. 
4/ Today, I'm grateful for the dream I had last night - it prompted me to email LL and had a lovely phone call from her tonight!
5/ Today, I'm grateful for clean sheets, warm bed and fantastic weather!

29 - Love my Family

There are times when I know that, from the outside, that I don't seem like a good person.  It's not that I'm unethical or immoral, but that I get lost. And things in my world get so crazy that I don't know how to get out of the mess I find myself in.  I'm willing to take responsibility for my messed up world; but something happens and I get lost in that world.

Tonight, I decided to take the first of what I hope are many steps.  I called to talk to my niece ... just her, and no one else.  I am going to do the same with my nephew - call and talk to only him.  Many times, I sit and look at their pictures and imagine what their world must be like.  The hell they must be going through.  I really enjoyed talking to my niece - she played the flute for me (she's really good!), we talked about reading (she recommended The Fault in our Stars), we talked about school, how she loves Math the best and doesn't like Social Studies because she doesn't understand maps.  I hung up on her and wept ... she sounded so positive, until I said that I know she's going through a tough time.  Then I knew things were not as happy as they sounded.

I need to turn things around.

Gratitude Moments Today
1/ Today, I'm so grateful to have such a wonderful niece.  I know she's going through a mess she found herself in and had no part in it and I hope I can help her somehow.  Maybe a phone call a week can start. This whole thing makes me so sick, I have no idea where to start or what to do.  So, I'll start here.
2/ Today, I'm grateful for getting a few resumes out.
3/ Today, I'm grateful for the beautiful weather - it's there, I need to make use of it more!
4/ Today, I'm grateful for the phone call I got from RA ... it's nice to get those every so often!
5/ Today, I'm grateful for opportunities still open to me.

28 - Obsession with Self

We are in interesting times ... Mental Disorders are on the rise, and it's our fault.  I thought that disorders were from a condition that we could not control - something genetic or environmental (age old question, there!) ... but I think we could come to the conclusion soon that we can bring on our own disorders.  And, when we don't know we are doing it ... then it can be a bit scary.

My brother and I have often discussed this topic in relation to people around us - self-obsession or egotism.  Our conversation has since taken a more personal turn as we have begun to peel back the superficial layer of the appearance-obsessed around us.  Daily gym visits, money on skin products and procedures to eliminate wrinkles, diets to see that 'magic number', achieving the label of 'cougar', and I'm sure it continues just as strong for men.  To the point of broken relationships, bullying and suicide, self-hatred ... and the self-obsession propaganda that proliferate Facebook and other social media.  To quote some I've seen: "Happiness starts with You - not with your relationships, not with your job, not with your money, but with you." Who?  the self, the ego. Or, a personal favourite that is 'all about me' ... "If they miss you, they will call. If they want you, they'll say it. If they care, they'll show it. And if not, they're not worth your time."  Am I the only one that sees the arrogance and self-centeredness in this quote? It has nothing to do with the challenges or difficulties the other person might be going through, just that 'my' needs are not being met. And the ever-lovely: "Sometimes you just have to throw on a crown and show them who they're dealing with." Ummm .... see it?  And, mark my words, it is not going to be getting better.  Just so long as 'I' am happy, then nothing else matters, and I'm always, right, correct?  Oh my.

Gratitude Moments for Today
1/ Today, I'm grateful for running into Linda at my nail place before Christmas - today, she did my hair and I'm glad to have found her!  We see similar on things, which is great!
2/ Today, I'm grateful the sunshine - people are complaining of the cold weather again, and the fact is that it's around -10, which really is not bad, and the sun is shining, which is really quite good!
3/ Today, I'm grateful for PN - I get the feeling that she really is trying to help me, not only with ideas but also with encouragement.
4/ Today, I'm grateful for getting a call from RA.  Hearing her voice is always nice.
5/ Today, I'm grateful for my warm bed ... I really need to benefit from that earlier in the day! In other words, I need to go to bed earlier so I can enjoy my pre-heated bed earlier in the day.

27 - Good News / Bad News

I heard something on Dr. Phil today that rather resonated with me. The visual here is a reminder of that, even though the concept is a bit different.  And, this is nothing new to me, and yet, for some reason, it hit me as a bit of a slap up-side the head.  Dr. Phil said to his guest today, "The bad news is that this is your responsibility; the good news is that this is your responsibility."  And that's what this boils down to, right?  The bad news - I gotta take care of this myself.  I need to take responsibility for it, no one can bail me out, no one can rescue me.  The good news?  At one point in my life, I will look back on this and see the goodness in it. I know it's times like this that can totally change a life; if I let go of that which is holding me back (be that in my mind or something real), then the world should be my oyster.  Oh, how to do that is the question?

Gratitude Moments for Today
1/ Today, I'm grateful that there are still things I can be grateful for!
2/ Today, I'm grateful for getting in to get my nails done.  Two things that are important to me ... for appearance reasons - nails and hair.  Today and tomorrow.
3/ Today, I'm grateful for sleeping in the morning and remembering to take my meds yesterday, even if it was 1:00 AM!
4/ Today, I'm grateful for the note I got today from a friend at my old job.  I'm glad he had encouraging things to say to me! It was nice to hear from him.
5/ Today, I'm grateful that I still have hope, that there is still time so it really is in my hands.  And it really is up to me.  If it is to be, it's up to me.

Oddly, this has nothing to do with egotism ... sometimes I wish I had more confidence in myself because maybe this would be resolved quicker.  I'm not selfish - but in a way I have to be.  No one is going to rescue me so I have to do it for myself.  I have to value myself enough that I do push myself forward and do what I need to do to bring about what I need.  Because if not, it's not long before I'll be homeless.  And no one can change that but me. So, if that's not enough to be a little "selfish" ... or, what would you call it? ... then what is?

26 - Note, Assess, Change?

Feeling like a failure today ... or at least that I'm not where I want to be.  I don't understand ... I think the reality of my situation is starting to sink in and I'm not sure about a lot of things.  I don't want to focus on it and yet ... no..  They say what you focus on becomes your reality.  Even if i have moved forward and moved back, think of it like re-traveling over familiar ground so I should be able to do it faster to get back where I once was.  Right?

Gratitude Moments for Today
1/ Today, I'm grateful for getting the resume in.
2/ Today, I'm grateful for realizing a position I was going to go for was not in Alberta ... before I sent a submission!
3/ Today, I'm grateful for getting protein powder. No reason now!
4// Today, I'm grateful for getting my last pair of glasses.  I might not have done the best with the styles, but they'll be good enough for now.  And, two of them are nice.
5/ Today, I'm grateful for money in the bank for this month. Spend less, have more.

Take note ... what has happened?  What can I observe?  What can I assess? And ... what's the first step to change? Just one step? What would it be?