25 - Preparing for the Journey

How to do you achieve a goal? do a project?  Do you just dive in? do you do any kind of preparation? ... if you go on a holiday, do you jump in your car and go or do you take some time to prepare?

I'm going to embark on a bit of a 'journey', starting Sunday.  I've thought of this and have mentally prepared for it.  I'm not sure how much I will share here - it's only for 10 days and it's more of an inward journey as I really can't go anywhere.  Today and tomorrow, I'm putting the final touches on the preparation and will begin Sunday morning.  I'm really hoping that something will come of this, at the very least, let this be a catalyst for something wonderful to come.  (A mini-mini-mini 100 Day Challenge??)

Today's Gratitude Moments
1/ Today, I'm grateful for finally getting to sleep last night and getting up at a relatively good hour.
2/ Today, I'm grateful for spending the day on getting out resumes.
3/ Today, I'm grateful for knowing that I might still be called for an interview from the PPT screening.
4/ Today, I'm grateful for cleaning out my fridge and spending a bit of time preparing for Sunday.
5/ Today, I'm grateful for the people who checked in on me.  Thank you to both of them!!

24 - Happiness, Success and Self-Actualization

Abraham Maslow is a psychologist who proposed a variety of developmental concepts for various components of living.  The one illustrated here is his developmental theory on human motivation - what are the needs we are motivated to obtain in order to develop further.  If, for some reason, as we move up the ladder, a previous step is lost (eg. if I become homeless / 'safety' step), then I need to return there to ensure that is taken care of before I can move on.

This came into play in a discussion I had tonight with my brother.  We were talking about the narcissism in our world, how prevalent it is in every imaginable place.  And yes, how we are part of it as well.  What we pondered was ... is that point of SA a point of ultimate self-obsession or a form of narcissism (complete obsession to obtain self-happiness at all costs because all other stages are focused on the self) or is SA something different? We live in a society obsessed with the self, with the image you see when you look in the mirror (how much money is spent on gym memberships? skin procedures? diet tricks? ... why is it a status for older women to be called 'Cougars'?) and if you don't like what you see, then you go out to find a way to change it, even to the point of putting your life, family, everything in jeopardy.  It was an interesting conversation and definitely made me look at myself.

I stopped for coffee and read a bit of Frankl's book Man's Search for Meaning ... "Don't aim at success -- the more you aim at it and make it a target, the more you are going to miss it. For success, like happiness, cannot be pursued; it must ensue, and it only does so as the unintended side-effect of one's personal dedication to a cause greater than oneself or as the by-product of one's surrender tot a person other than oneself.  Happiness must happen, and the same holds for success: you have to let it happen by not caring about it.  I want you to listen to what your conscious commands you to do and go on to carry it out to the best of your knowledge.  Then you will live to see that in the long run -- in the long run, I say! -- success will follow you precisely because you had forgotten to think of it."  Part of self-obsession or not?

Gratitude Moments for Today
1/ Today, I'm grateful to have a good talk with my brother; I love when we peel back the layers of what we are seeing and examine what we perceive.
2/ Today, I'm grateful that I spent the time reviewing PPT last night because I know I did awesome on the assessment today.
3/ Today, I'm grateful for how the day went - up until about 1:30. Focus on what went well, not what went south, and endeavour to continue the good parts tomorrow!
4/ Today, I'm grateful to have a pre-warmed bed to crawl into at the end of the day!
5/ Today, I'm grateful for the fire I'm starting to feel. Please, let it flare up!

23 - Diving ...

Now comes the challenge - no time to worry, no time to regret, no time to fear.  Jump.  Prove it!

Today, I drafted up a darn good resume for a position in corporate learning, probably along the lines of administration / coordination.  I had found a few positions but I never applied for them.  Now, I have the resume so gotta send those puppies out tomorrow!  No word on the interview results yet, but not going to wait around. 



Gratitude Moments for Today
1/ Today, I'm grateful for getting to have supper with KA - it was so nice to spend time with her this weekend!
2/ Today, I'm grateful for getting the things prepped for the audit of one of my online submissions for reimbursement.  I normally leave things like this to closer to the due date but this time, I got it done in a timely fashion, copies made for my own reference, and envelope ready for mailing for a walk tomorrow!
3/ Today, I'm grateful for my electric blanket - so fantastic to crawl in to a pre-heated bed at night! 
4/ Today, I'm grateful for the growing desire to push past these problems.  I don't do very well encouraging myself sometimes, especially when it seems that so much is against me.  So, when I feel his strength in me, I know that is the time to act, because I don't know when another slump will happen.  I have two options - win or give up ... give up is akin to failing greatly.  Which path to walk? I want to win ... I need to win ... Fear, be gone!
5/ Today, I'm grateful for finding positions posted.  At least I'm finding things.  

22 - Oscar Night!

Tonight was the culmination to the last 2 months of cinematic enjoyment - the night of the Academy Awards for Motion Pictures.  I love film - all of it; from its vision to its creation to the final presentation.  It has to be a real waste of celluloid for me to not find some value in a film, and I'm not one of those to point out all the flaws as if I'm the only one who identifies quality in the art.  I have a problem with people who are vocal against a movie but (a) can't tell you why they don't like it, or (b) can't tell you what they would have done to make it better, or - worst of all - (c) diss a movie because of something the director never set out to do to begin with.  This insistence that we play God is driving me nuts - no wonder our world is so f-ed up in so many ways! And, this year's nominations were good ones, in my opinion.  Lots of value in all of them!

I will say that I pegged the top winners (Supporting Actress - Patricia Arquette Boyhood; Actor - J.K. Simmons Whiplash; Best Actress - Julianne Moore Still Alice; Actor - Eddie Redmayne Theory of Everything.  I was split on the last two (Director and Film) ... I, personally, liked Birdman better but I saw the amazing commitment and achievement in Boyhood and really thought the Academy would go that route.  They went Birdman, for both.  I guess if I was a betting man, I would have gone with the former and not trusted my own preference, which, in this case, would have been reliable.

Gratitude Moments from Today
1/ Today, I am grateful for having a guest over for the evening and night - KA - my movie partner!
2/ Today, I am grateful for hearing from my brother.  He's not doing well and it hurts me so much that I can't help him! This whole thing makes no sense; I've never heard anything like it, even in all the reading and movie-watching I've done.  It makes no sense.
3/ Today, I am grateful for the air bed I bought a long time ago.  It was a good investment for when visitors visit.
4/ Today, I am grateful for the ability to find something of value in almost anything. Not only to find it but to focus on it as well.
5/ Today, I am grateful for being able to pause, if only for the moment.  Forget the stressors and enjoy the moment ... in this case, a bunch of moments, watching the Awards ceremony! And, shed a couple of tears in the moments of emotion.

** Added later - it seems that the rest of the world is baffled as to why Boyhood didn't win either!

21 - Time to Dig In

As the conclusion of the tasks for the one job wind down, I need to start ramping up the tasks of the other ... namely, my new job is "get a job".  I think all is done; just to send in receipts and the end of my time with that company is finished.  There's a part of me that is feeling panic starting to rise.  This is the first time in my life when I have had no one to lean on, no one to fall back on if things get bad.  Just me.  And, that's scary.  I've made it before in the past, but I've also known there was a safety net.  Now, I have no net.  So, it is important to stay calm, stay focused and maintain a productive stance.

Tomorrow are the Academy Awards - I will relax and enjoy and dive in on Monday.

Gratitude Moments for Today
1/ Today, I'm grateful for getting to try on my new glasses, the ones that I saw only once.  They're plastic, and darkish and will be a nice alternate to the ones I did get. By the end of the week, I'll be wearing glasses I can see out of!
2/ Today, I'm grateful for picking up the last of my medications: a three-month supply of the Xarelto.  I'm pretty sure that I have enough now to last me to my birthday in October!
3/ Today, I'm grateful for the amazing weather we have been having! Honestly, when other parts of the country are buried in record snowfalls, and we are walking around in light jackets and running shoes, it is a nice change.
4/ Today, I'm grateful for coffee and Irish Cream.  I know it's my guilty pleasure and I need to take a break from it soon, but for today, I'll enjoy another day.
5/ Today, I'm grateful for my brother and my niece and nephew ... if I think on them too much, I will weep. 

20 - Endings / Beginnings

Today is the official end of my time with the company I worked at for 3+ years.  All coverage, all responsibilities, all contracts end today.  And, as the day nears close, I approach it with mixed feelings. It was good to be part of the O&G industry, to meet people in different walks of life, to find out that yes, what I know does translate to that realm.  There were lots of good things about it.  And, there were some frustrating parts as well ... mostly having to do with "they get paid how much do to what???" And, to see how admins are not seen or treated as an integral part of the team (and thus paid a fraction of what the other incomes are).  At least, where I worked, that's how it was. 

So, as one line finishes, I ready myself for the start of a new one ... one that hopefully will pay better, one that will be more professional in all respects and and if not, then have a bunch of pluses that will pay off in the next one!  The interview today went ok, but not so good that I am confident.  Some good questions though! 

Gratitude Moments for Today
1/ Today, I'm grateful to have had the opportunity for the interview.  It was good to see how I reacted under pressure!
2/ Today, I'm grateful for the opportunity to work with a company like I did.  There were lots of good things about that experience.
3/ Today, I'm grateful for getting a lot done by the time my coverage runs out.  I might be short on money now, but when I am reimbursed, it will be not so bad again.
4/ Today, I'm grateful for the boots I bought ... at the time, I was concerned it might be a bit of wasteful spending.  However, today, when I put on my outfit and saw how the boots were the perfect completion, and that they felt quite comfortable as well, I felt much better about my purchase!
5/ Today, I'm grateful that RA made it home safe.  We don't have much snow, but others do.  And I'm glad she made it home safe in the weather she had. (And, it was nice to talk to her during her drive!)

19 - Confidence or Narcissism?

A couple of years ago, a person I thought was a good friend turned on me, accused me of being a narcissist and removed herself from my life.  I was stunned. This hit me in a way that made me fearful to interact with others - what if I was and I didn't realize it?   Every time I looked in the mirror, I wondered - am I a narcissist? Even today, I chew on that a bit and reflect back over my life (as only I can) and tell myself, no - she is wrong.  As fate would have it, it turns out that there is someone in my life that really is a narcissist, and one that is leaving quite a wake of destruction in her path.  I don't want to get into who it is, but I do want to grapple with this a bit - first: what is it?  

From the internet -- Narcissistic personality disorder, also known as NPD, is a personality disorder in which the individual has a distorted self image, unstable and intense emotions, is overly preoccupied with vanity, prestige, power and personal adequacy, lacks empathy, and has an exaggerated sense of superiority.  That's not me ... and that's not how this former friend referred to me.  I think she threw the word out to me because she perceived me as talking always about myself, about making everything about me, about not giving to others.  I would beg to differ, but instead of correcting her, let's say for this that it's true. Hmmm ... that is not in the definition of NPD! A personality disorder is a serious thing and I can confidently say that I do not have this disorder.  Other disorders, perhaps, but not this one.

What about a plain ol' narcissist? Is that possible?  Something tells me that narcissism is more than thinking highly of yourself. We do live in a world where we are encouraged to think highly of ourselves, to love ourselves, to have a positive self-image ... but there is a line that is easily crossed to where it all goes wrong. The other line is the other side of that coin - where we take responsibility for our lives and correct mistakes we made and relationships we hurt ... walking a bit further it goes from "it's all my fault" to "I am bad."

I have come to the conclusion that most people who use that word, truly don't know what it means ... and I also think it is probably more prevalent in our world than we realize.  I think a lot of people who use that word to point fingers are, in fact, struggling with something themselves. 

Is narcissism prevalent in me?  Hmmm ... aye, there's the rub! 

Gratitude Moments for Today
1/ Today, I am grateful for having the means to professionalize my wardrobe a bit more.  Interviews are not easy and that first impression means a lot!  Add to that - age, weight, grey hair ... 2 of the three I can do nothing about.  So, it is imperative that I do something about the things I can affect!  And, now, I have a kick-ass interview outfit (or two!).
2/ Today, I'm grateful that I was one of the ones picked for the interview at Stantec tomorrow.  I've weighed the sides well, and if offered, I'll take it.  If not offered, then the practice is great!
3/ Today, I'm grateful for the continued beautiful weather!  When I read about the horrific weather out east (snowbanks big enough to bury cars!), it is a treat to wear capris and light shoes outside in February!
4/ Today, I'm grateful for the glasses I decided to buy.  They are both different enough from each other that they will be fun to wear and for once in my life, I'll have a choice!
5/ Today, I'm grateful for the friends in my life that check in with me occasionally to see how I'm doing. If it wasn't for them, my life could get mighty isolated!

18 - Early to Bed

Am writing earlier tonight, because I'm going to bed earlier.  I've done my dishes for the day and will make my list of tasks for tomorrow and, if the winds are right, I will be asleep by 10:30. Much to do, only so much time to do it in.

Gratitude Moments for Today
1/ Today, I'm grateful for a fantastic hour long massage. One more booked for Friday!
2/ Today, I'm grateful for my brother and the a text discussion we had.  I always come away from our discussions with a renewed sense of determination, for different reasons each time, but the renewed desire to push forward is always there. I've always been proud of my brother, even when he drove me nuts ... and now a whole new respect for him as he walks through this valley.
3/ Today, I'm grateful for the talk I had with another former AMEC admin.  It encouraged me to encourage her.
4/ Today, I'm grateful for TV shows like the one I saw.  Shows that might be difficult to watch but resonate within.  Shows that intend to teach a lesson. 
5/ Today, I'm grateful for who I am.  The things I don't like, I can change; the things I can't change, I love. A pretty good place to be for my age!

Bring on tomorrow!!

17 - What a Mess!

I'm spinning my wheels, and starting to worry.  And I know the worry is pre-mature; I know this because there are still lots of ideas I need to take action on.  I am faltering today, not sure of a lot.  Sometimes it works to stop and tell myself of the strengths, sometimes it doesn't.

Later in the evening, I went to see another double-viewing of movies with my movie buddy, KA.  As 'fate' would have it, I ended up sitting beside a woman who provided an opportunity to speak about my love of making a difference in others' lives.  When I start to doubt myself, as I did today, I need to not only remind me of what my strengths are, I need to relive those moments of passion - like when I spoke to the lady beside me in the theatre.  The quote attached is so relevant to me right now.  I need to push through this, I need to give myself healthy, loving treatment - that doesn't mean giving in to every little whim, but it does mean using time in the day as I know it should be used. There was an article I read today - "Three Habits Productive People Find Time For Every Day" found here.  What are these three habits? (1) Become an early riser by going to bed early. (2) Start every day with an intention, focus, or meditation. (3) Physical activity.  Do it.  A good place to start, no?

Gratitude Moments for Today
1/ Today, I'm grateful for the call I received from Executive Solutions.  It gave me hope.
2/ Today, I'm grateful for spending the evening with KA.
3/ Today, I'm grateful for KA to push me to make an appointment for a massage for tomorrow.  So much I need to do before my coverage runs out!
4/ Today, I'm grateful for really wanting to be honest with myself and really wanting to come out stronger.  I want to prove it to myself - that what I know does change lives, and I want to start with mine.  It's not only about what I know but what I learn from others.  The answer is out there; there is a door that holds the answer.  Keep knocking on doors!
5/ Today, I'm grateful for hope - I have hope! When you are being re-made, the road gets rough, but it's worth it! 

16 - Happy Family Day!

Family Day has become one of those odd holidays for me.  I am to this day as as square peg is to a round hole.  I don't fit.  What's more, with the events of the last while, though I still believe fully and completely in the need for family for a healthy person, so many families are not healthy and I start to wonder at the point of it all.

For me, Family Day was a day like any other day.  Valentine's Day was a day like any other day.  I did things I needed to do and I ended the day watching a movie - an Oscar contender.  It was good - interesting.  Boyhood.  I suspect it might get best picture, though I have yet to give my final thoughts on who I think will get the Golden Man.  This was a film about families, about growing up and finding our way, making mistakes and continuing on. The part that will get the Oscar is that it is the same cast, filmed over 12 years.

Gratitude Moments for Today
1/ Today, I am grateful for a legitimate holiday.
2/ Today, I am grateful to have spent the evening with KA, and that I have someone to enjoy these movies with!
3/ Today, I am grateful though there are times when I feel like a square peg in a round hole, that for the most part, I'm ok with that.  I'm ok with seeing things differently.
4/ Today, I am grateful for the family I have - my brother, who I love dearly; my niece and nephew, who mean the world to me, and my sister-in-law.
5/ Today, I'm grateful for being in the place I am ... it's not easy but I believe, even though the economy is what it is, there is still opportunity for me. And, at least, there's only me I have to care about!

15 - Once Seen

If you did a search for the meme on the left, you'd find a bunch of comical pictures - from cats with bug eyes to fat people doing embarrassing things to scary sites at your local Walmart.  Though these all fit the bill, that's not the particular thought that has been on my mind today.

A movie was released on the 13th - the film version of the novel 50 Shades of Gray.  Now, I have the books, I've read through most of them - I know the books, their characters, content and themes.  I've seen the video clips, heard interviews, know about the craze.  My opinions and thoughts are also based on what I believe when it comes to film as an art form, as a teaching tool and as entertainment.  I believe I have more than a passing curiosity about psychology, character development, human behavior and motivation. I have engaged in more than one discussion about the books and their subsequent film(s?) and have read my share of comments and opinions on both sides.  In other words, I'm not casually throwing my thoughts out there with no weighing of all sides.  The content of the story is BDSM - and the popularity of this novel is like wildfire.  Not only the books (which have outsold almost every other book out there), but it has turned into a franchise.  The woman, who wrote the books as an offshoot of a Twilight fan-fiction, who wrote it as a mid-life crisis for the "fairy tale romance" is raking in the money like no one's seen.  I acknowledge everyone has their opinion on this and so do I.  Simply -  there are things that once seen cannot be unseen ... and I'm not talking about the BDSM components of the book and film.  

I am very concerned as to how this is going to affect us as a society in the long run.  There is so much in the novel, and the movie, that is damaging and harmful and yes, destructive.  With everything that has gone on in my family, in the past and now recently, this is far from a "fairy tale romance".  And I'm not even going to get into how atrociously it is written.  They say we are advancing as a civilization?  I call bullshit.  

There is a movie out there American History X - a very good movie.  It is like night and day to FSoG, but there is a similarity.  It is good (unlike FSoG) - it is well-written, the message is hard and solid, it is well-acted, well-executed and well-presented.  It contributes to a knowledge and understanding in the viewer that promotes a healthy awareness of self and world.  But there is a scene in it - 'curb-stomping' - that I refuse to watch.  I know what it is, I know what happens.  And I will watch the entire movie but not that scene.  It, like the movie FSoG, can never be unseen once seen.  And, though the action is difficult (or odd, in the case of FSoG), but it is the intent behind the action, the utter hatred, the complete lack of care for humanity, the power, the vile cruelty that I do not want to see.  What I find interesting, for me, is that I will read the books but I will not watch - I wonder what that's about?  Something about seeing - I do not want to see the power, the using for self-gratification, the control, the absence of ... of ... something fundamental to humanity.  In FSoG, the main character is a narcissist in the beginning, and as far as I can tell, he never deals with the psychopathology he exhibits. As she, the female lead, does not either - and this is what we are holding up as something to aspire to?? Everyone talks about how good the novels are, how liberating, how promoting self-awareness, but they never talk about the illness and how sick these characters are.  Oh, I could get into it much more but I won't.  I would rather fill my viewing with something with a message to make me a better person. 

A fantastic article that captures my concern perfectly - here
And an article on the pathology of the phenomena (again, voicing perfectly my concerns) - here

Gratitude Moments for Today 
1/ Today, I'm grateful for getting my place clean to the point where I am no longer anxious!  It's not perfectly clean, but I am no longer irate with where it is at!
2/ Today, I'm grateful for having a nice, clean bed to crawl into! 
3/ Today, I'm grateful for the cheap table I found at Ikea ... it's a perfect fit! 
4/ Today, I'm grateful for one more week of pay ahead of me!  Let's make every day count! 
5/ Today, I'm grateful for FINALLY getting my wash bucket cleaned out!  Why I don't do it right away, I don't know. At the instant of completing that, I felt the tension completely leave me!

14 - Happy Single's Awareness Day

I'm not going to get into a big thing on Valentine's Day or being single or bitterness or joy over it, what love is or is not, the commercialism or meaning in this day, etc. etc. etc. ... it is what it is.  That is in my journal and not here.  All that aside, what this means right now is that I'm single, and it is to my benefit to enjoy this season of life (for however long it lasts!) for all the blessings it can give me and to set the bad stuff that goes with it aside for now.

I found a beautiful statement on a website called: The Single Woman ... and I'm just going to repeat it here.  For single women (and some might fit men also!) ... there ARE good things about being single!

Reasons I'm Not Sad I'm Single - (found here)
- I like the idea of sharing my life with someone…I’m just not sure I’m ready to share my closet. (67 pairs of shoes and counting…)
- First kisses.
- Messy breakups.
- Because some days I just don’t feel like shaving my legs. (Shhhh…)
- Last week I had a hot fudge cake for dinner…and I didn’t feel guilty about not sharing.
- About 85% of the movies on my shelf are chick flicks. And I am unapologetic.
- Because I only watch the Superbowl for the halftime show.
- One day a friend called me up and said: “Let’s take a road trip to the beach…tomorrow.” I said: “Okay.” And I didn’t ask anyone’s permission.
- Some nights I like to sleep on the right side of the bed, others, the left side. And some nights…right smack dab in the middle.
- I don’t have to battle anyone for the remote control.
- Because I have the freedom to choose either my way OR the highway…and both are equally appealing.
- I spend as much time with God as I want. He’s never too busy and always on time.

Gratitude Moments for Today
1/ Today, I'm grateful to be single, for the reasons (and more) listed above.
2/ Today, I'm grateful for setting everything aside and enjoying the day as I wanted, with no guilt and no one making me feel guilty!
3/  Today, I'm grateful  that I didn't have to get out of my PJs for anything!
4/ Today, I'm grateful for the wonderful thoughtful gifts that KA gave me that I opened today and the call that I got from RA ... I didn't spend the entire day completely alone!
5/ Today, I'm grateful for the small text exchange with KS ... if I end time on this planet without meeting him, it will be a definite regret.

13 - Expert or Idiot

I had an interesting experience today, something that I`m still inquiring into the big picture influence, as I see it. 

There is a video going around on FB - (I attempted to post it on the bottom of this) - it is about a woman who is very strong in her beliefs that there are no such thing as dinosaurs and is irate that this false believe (in her opinion) is being shoved at her children in science class. Obviously, the people are saying some cruel things and calling her some not-so-nice names.  And I get thinking ... and I post the following on my friend's board: I often wonder on the connection between this and the societal belief that everyone is "right" and no one is "wrong", that everyone can be an expert because you can find the answer on the Internet, because your opinion is right and everyone can teach because we've all been in a classroom (among other dissing of the educated professionals). It does bother me that there is no "wrong/false in me" thinking today and a lot of finger-pointing and name-calling. Also, we watch this video & others like her and deem what she espouses as ludicrous but if it were us and the attack was directed at a belief we held firm, would we not respond similar to her? Not many people are able to reflect on the honest possibility that something they believe to be true could in fact be false ... But who determines what IS true & what IS false? ... 

I look around ... and look at so many of the beliefs people hold strongly - the belief that it is right to vaccinate your children, the belief that it is a government manipulation to vaccinate your children, the belief that God does not exist, the belief that homeschooling is equal to or better than that which is done by a trained teacher in that subject, the belief that Palestine is right in its fight against Israel, the belief that the Conservative Government and Mr. Harper are the worst thing for our country, the belief that ... the belief that ... the belief that ... and on and on and on ... And, are these not like this woman in some way?  A personal belief that is held so strongly with whatever justification they can find to support their view, and they are like her.  We are like her. We point at her "stupidity" and we could be pointing that same finger at our own "stupidity" ... why is she but not me?

In my perspective, this attribute we carry, each in our own way, comes from that thought - I am right and you cannot tell me I'm wrong. Teachers cannot tell me I'm wrong because I can be home-schooled and that is as good or better than being taught in a classroom.  We do not need higher education because it's useless and I can find success without a higher degree - what can they teach me that I do not already know or find out for myself?  

Throwing this out there:  we are on a slippery slope.  A very dangerous path.  When everyone is right and I am never wrong, I cannot imagine where the end of that road will lead us.  But it deeply scares me.

Gratitude Moments for Today: 
1/ Today, I am grateful for the late night discussion with JS, about so many things! (including gratitude!! :-) )
2/ Today, I am grateful for taking the time to go to one more place for glasses because it led me to a great option!  Now, I don't know what to do! 
3/ Today, I'm grateful for finding a wonderful option for my bathroom mess - a $20 TV stand from Ikea! 
4/ Today, I'm so grateful for the beautiful weather!  It's incredible what energy one can get when the weather is beautiful!  Records broken - +16C!!
5/ Today, my biggest moment of gratitude was going to get the Xarelto from my doctor.  She contacted the representative and shared my story and s/he dropped off some free samples for me.  A SIX MONTH supply!!! Thank you so much for people who understand when a road gets rocky!!

The video from the irate Christian.

12 - Thursday, not Friday Yet!

Some call it "Thirsty Thursday", some call it "Throwback Thursday" and some call it "Friday's almost here!" As for me, I am very glad it is not yet Friday! and I have no intention to get drunk.  As for the 'throwback' part, I'll close with a picture from my past, how's that?

I got a late start, but at least I got started and then had productivity.  I decided that with the 20th coming, I need to make my glasses a priority, so I spent today hunting for them.  Man, are they going to be expensive!  The best price for one pair was at Costco.  The best price for one pair (as 1/2 of buying 2) was at Pearle Vision.  However, none of them have reputable lenses. This will not be an easy decision! I'm almost leaning for 2 pair - just for the diversity.  And, maybe in a year or two, I can buy another pair, with quality lenses. We'll see ... I have 2 more places to check out tomorrow before I make my decision.

Gratitude Moments for Today

1/ Today, I'm grateful for beginning the search for glasses.  It's something I've needed to do for a long time but never took the time.  And time, it does take!  Usually about a good hour to two at each store.  Pricing and looking through and trying on so many frames!
2/ Today, I'm grateful for the amazing weather!  We're chinooking again!
3/ Today, I'm grateful for the itch on my arm lessening!
4/ Today, I'm grateful for opportunities that I am seeing.
5/ Today, I'm grateful for finding out that it was a money decision that brought about my unemployment.

Graduation - May 5, 1985.  When I felt I had the world ahead of me.  If I could go back in time, and talk to my younger self then, what would I tell her? And, more important, can I still tell that to myself now and make a difference from here forward?

11 - What if?

I did what I set out to do yesterday ... I paused.  I made a list of the things that give me great anxiousness when I think on them.  Those things that make my brain freeze in this chaos.  And, I broke them down, listing some today, some tomorrow, and the rest throughout the weekend.  Some weren't as urgent as the others, some were so urgent that my stomach got upset by just thinking on it. And with that upset, came that old 'visitor' - the one that points to the difference between my life and the life of everyone else I can think of.  And that Voice began again.  And the messages and ... how does one shut them off?  I did what I can to pick something from the list and work towards completing it.  And it worked ... but the Voice continued - "What if you don't get a job?" "What if no one wants you?" "What if they're right and there are no jobs?" "What if ... what if ... what if ...??"

And I remind myself of the conversation with VG last week .... Prove it.  No one needs to know about this struggle against failure inside me, instead - do what I think will work and prove it ... prove it does or prove it doesn't; just prove it.  And, maybe I'll push myself right out of that frustrated rut I'm in.

Gratitude Moments for Today
1/ I'm grateful today that I had a meeting with a placement agency.  And that I did well on their tests.
2/ I'm grateful today that I got a few things checked off my list of "Anxious Things".
3/ I'm grateful today ... well, I'm not grateful yet for unemployment, but I'm intending to put that on the grateful list one day!
4/ I'm grateful today for my home.
5/ I'm grateful today for hope ... I need to use that hope to fuel the action. Especially now that I'm checking things off that Anxious List!  I'm just grateful that I still have hope. Even if it seems that my hands are very empty right now, I still have a seed of hope left.

10 - Chaos to Order

The word was given - unemployed.  Benefits to last 3 weeks and then end.  What to do? Oh lord, where to start?  What to do first? update resume? send out resume? get meds? dr appointment?  what about the mess at home?  There's dishes and laundry and cleaning and cooking and ... and ... and ... Where to start? What to do? And the anxiety grew. And the confusion continued.  And this time is different than all the others.  And I don't know where to begin ...

squirrel ....

Today, I pause and breath ... I feel like I've been running in circles, getting some stuff done but not making a dent overall.  Spinning my wheels seems to be my action, with the occasional 'squirrel' thrown in for added loss. But what if I did pause?  What if I did get some pressing things done before moving forward in another area?  I cannot do everything at once, I cannot "multi-task" on everything and expect productive results. I need to stop running after everything, catch my breath and run after one thing at a time.  That's the only way I can bring this chaos to a stop and achieve the success I need to achieve.

I don't have order yet ... but the chaos has been put on hold.  A good place to start, right?

Day's Gratitude Moments
1/ I'm grateful today that I have time to make sense of this and move forward.
2/ I'm grateful today for the chance to go with KA to another movie - this one was not a best pic contender, though it is up for a few awards ... Mr. Turner ... a biopic of sorts, and very interesting!  You can tell that it didn't come from Hollywood!!
3/ I'm grateful today for, movie included, that I will be going to bed at a decent hour.
4/ I'm grateful today for the people who checked in on me.  I'm always grateful to know that I'm not alone and even though others are busy, they have taken a moment to let me know they're thinking of me.
5/ I'm grateful today for the where-with-all to identify my problem and set out the course to resolve it.  Let's see how long it takes to achieve it!

9 - Go for Coffee

Years ago, when I was helping and coaching in a school production, I would often take a kid "for coffee" ... with parental permission, we'd go someplace 'for coffee', and talk over their unique situation and how I could help them.  This was long before Starbucks or Second Cup came on the scene, long before Kuirig or Tassimo or any other personal coffee maker.  This was in the 1990s ... and the single operators were there, but not common.  The best I often could do was a place called Michelangelo's (which was more a pub/bar than a coffee shop) or Denny's, which was open all night.

Now, it's the rage.  I got together with TK yesterday, first time in a looooong while, and we 'went for coffee' - to Starbucks.  And, though it was a Monday afternoon (don't people work any more?), we could not find a table at one and got the last table at another.  And ... we left 4 hrs later; I didn't look at my watch once!!   She is a good friend, with a positive outlook, and we are very similar in a lot of ways.  Funny ... how this friendship came out of the difficult one with KJ!

Moments of Gratitude for Today
1/ Today, I'm grateful for the wonderful talk and time spent with TK.
2/ Today, I'm grateful for finding out that my last company did the right thing when they let me go.  But always good to check to make sure!
3/ Today, I'm grateful for the bit of cleaning I got done. I always feel much stronger when that happens!
4/ Today, I'm grateful for hearing from my brother.  He is spending time on a class trip with his son and though that means leaving his daughter behind, I'm glad he can spend this time with my nephew.
5/ Today, I'm grateful for another week, to push forward and keep trying!  Two more paid weeks, and here's to the plan that something happens by then! The only way it can happen though is by DOING what I need to do.  And, eliminating that fuzzy, non-committal vocabulary from my language is the place to start!

8 - Something Completely New

Today is Sunday.  If I feel anything on Sunday mornings, it has to do with not going to church.  This morning, I did something completely out of the norm for me:  I went to deep water exercise at 8:00 AM ... read that right?  AM!!! I didn't capitalize on it over the rest of the day, but at least I did it!  AND, I'm going to do it more often ... except on Saturday mornings.  New habits need to be made, and that would be a good one.

It was the first time I have done something resembling exercise since my PEs in July (pulmonary emboli), so I was a little concerned that I might run out of breath or I might experience some sort of complication.  And, I proved myself wrong!  There was a moment of a muscle pain but it was in my shoulder and from a movement.  There was a moment when the instructor was pushing us and I felt myself get a little weak, so I slowed down.  The result?  I got through the entire hour with no repercussions!  That, for me, was a success!!

Today's Gratitude Moments: 
1/ Today, I'm grateful that BT got me out and to deep water exercise!
2/ Today, I'm grateful to have found out a bit more about the situation at AFW and the more I hear, the more I am glad it's behind me!!
3/ Today, I'm grateful for a great talk with MJB ... she is really becoming a good friend!  You know, say what I want about the poor ethics and treatment of their employees, I sure have met some wonderful people through this company, and for that alone, I can not badmouth the company.
4/ Today, I'm grateful for the talk I had with BT after exercising.  Some good thoughts on interviewing!
5/ Today, I'm grateful that it's Sunday ... and that a whole new week lies before me!  Let's see what change I can incur by the time next Saturday rolls around!

7 - Spring?

We have been spoiled this year.  Last year, the weather was brutally cold and everyone had a common complaint - the weather.  You could go no where without hearing someone moaning about how miserable they were.  I realized at some point - my 'ah-ha moment' for the year - that our complaining did nothing to change the weather ... instead, it just made us more miserable because our complaining did nothing to change our conditions. 

This year - we've had maybe a couple of weeks of cold weather.  Sure, we've had snow, but honestly, today, would almost swear that green grass was considering poking through the brown stuff on the ground and I wonder if leaves are thinking about budding.  It's winter!! and yet, we wear sweaters, light shoes, and some people even are wearing shorts! crazy!! 

Today's Gratitude Moments
1/ Today, I'm grateful for the beautiful weather!  I might not stay, but I'm glad it's here!
2/ Today, I'm grateful for a lovely lunch with RD (from AMEC - Brion Project).  Another new friend!
3/ Today, I'm grateful for the people who checked in to see how I am doing.  It really makes a difference when someone calls to see how you are doing and offers support, encouragement, and suggestions!
4/ Today, I'm grateful to find out more and more that my being let go from my job had little to do with me and more to do with a decision to benefit others over me.  I'm ok with that.
5/ Today, I'm grateful for a quiet evening watching TV.  I should do less of it, but I do enjoy it when I can.

6 - Socializing is Good!

I will admit, it has been a very long time since I went 'out' with a friend.  And, tonight I had the chance, so I took it.  I know that when you're unemployed that there are things that you need to make sure to do - to keep your spirits up, to keep things on a positive track.  And, though it costs money, I decided that when AS (from AMEC - Kearl Project) suggested we get together, I would make it happen.  What a lovely time!  I don't know her very well, and though we are different, it was fantastic to spend some 'girl time' with someone new.  It's been a long time since I put my face on and tried to dress 'fun', and I don't know if I succeeded, but whatever I managed was ok with me.  Age or laziness? Fear or self issues? I pushed through whatever it is and got out.  And that was good.

Today's Gratitude Moments
1/ Today, I'm grateful for getting out with AS.
2/ Today, I'm grateful for pushing past whatever goes through my head to hold me back.
3/ Today, I'm grateful for the positions I found and sending out my resumes.  I need to "knock on more doors" but the knocking has started.
4/ Today, I'm grateful for the things AS told me to look into, primarily to check to make sure AMEC is doing the right thing with me.
5/ Today, I'm grateful for a good day! It will end with a smile on my face!

5 - Preparations

Today was a day of preparation.  I realize that in this, there is time for making sure things are things are orderly.  Yes, if you looked around me right now, there wouldn't be much 'order', but there are things that require action now.  Things like a dentist visit, like making sure I have prescriptions maxed out (especially when one costs $100/month without insurance!), like making sure my computer is safe.  There are still more things to do, but now, I am choosing to shift to the employment hunt focus for a few days. I know all this is preparing me for beginning that new leg of life ... the old road is behind me. I am at the fork right now.

Gratitude Moments for Today
1/ Today I am grateful for our medical system here - the doctor's visit didn't cost me and right now, I can still pay a fraction for the medical needs I have.
2/ Today I am grateful for the strength to return the items I have over the last few days so that the computer security didn't cost me anything.  At times like this 'need' beats out 'a treat' any day!
3/ Today I'm grateful for being able to get together with AS this weekend!  She's a new friend from AMEC and is quite different than me.  And right now, to have different people but supportive people in my life is a good thing!
4/ Today I'm grateful for spending a bit of text-time with my brother.  He reminded me of things I need to keep in mind.  We were talking about his wife's psychopathology that is emerging now and he wrote:  "The fact that both our parents are gone puts us in a unique position, plus the strength of our family with religious values.  You and I are unique and special."  In a way, he and I both have a freedom now, and with a common foundation coupled with that freedom, we are not part of the mess that is prevalent and growing in our society.  I am so grateful for my brother and for the strengths in my corner! 
5/ Today I'm grateful that I have no struggle with death.  I do not fear it at all.  (I'm just not ready for it yet!)

4 - Prove it!

I met with a friend for dinner today.  She has been unemployed for a very long time, and now is wanting to get back into the work force.  She has tried occasionally throughout the years but has developed an amazing inner voice as to why she is not getting work.  She 'thinks' this and 'what if' that and 'maybe I'm' something else.  She has a fair amount of education and doesn't want to work at something 'beneath' her ... but the fact is that even her education is out of date and she would not be successful in that world.

As I talked to her and laid things out for her, I took careful note at how I needed to follow the advice I was giving her.  And it narrowed down to: "prove it".  Prove to me that what you 'think' is true, prove to me that if you did it, then your fear would come true.  Prove it.  And until you've DONE it, no "I'll try" or "I want to" or "what if" is going to have any weight.  She used 'I'll try' more times than I could count!  and I "tried" (haha!) to nail her on it every time! Changing that inner dialogue is not easy.  But, maybe that's a place to start ... for her and for me.  No more "I'll try" ... in the words of Yoda - "DO, or do not .. there is no try."   Prove me wrong or prove me right, but prove it!  And, the best of all, would be to prove all those voices in your head how wrong they are!  No better way to shut them up than rubbing their face in how wrong they are!!

Today's Gratitude Moments
1/ Today, I'm grateful for hearing encouragement for me coming out of my own mouth.
2/ Today, I'm grateful for having the strength to return the purse that I really didn't need.
3/ Today, I'm grateful for the suggestions I'm getting from people when I tell them my situation!
4/ Today, I'm grateful for the awesome resumes I've been able to put together.
5/ Today, I'm grateful for the talk with LR ... her encouragement and her belief in me I wrapped around me like a cloak and glowed in it!  I felt unbeatable when I hung up with her!

3 - Overwhelmed?

Today my reality has started to sink in.  I still keep telling myself that there is a position out there for me, I just have to find it.  But everywhere I turn, there is talk about layoffs and 'no hiring', about depression economy and no opportunities.  I talked to someone in HR at my old company today and asked her a few questions.  She said, "No one's hiring."  And I thought, I hope you don't lose your job!

I talked to another woman unemployed today, and her advice was "update your resume".  The thing is that what I want to do applies to various fields and each one requires a bit of tweaking.  I could be updating my resumes until the cows come home and never apply!  That is a trap I cannot fall into.  So, I resolve to take one step at a time.  It doesn't have to be a big one, just take one.  And, my step today was finding 3 jobs to apply to.  I haven't applied yet, but I found postings.  It's a step. Tomorrow, I apply.

My Gratitude Moments for Today:
1/ I'm grateful today for finding positions that would work for me.
2/ I'm grateful today for the encouragement I continue to get from friends when they find out.
3/ I'm grateful today for knowing that I have gifts and abilities that I can offer to a company, things that make me an asset so that I have something to throw in the face of the demeaning voices inside me.
4/ I'm grateful today for taking action in something - my car's small fixes and some small returns.
5/ I'm grateful today for a home, a place to keep warm and rejuvenate.

2 - Excited!

A day of organizing and planning, listing and preparing.  I give myself one day for this ... and I will add to it, but the basic outline for my plan of attack is done.  Now, to put into action.

There were times when it was difficult to stay forward-focused and not go back and re-hash what happened and why it happened and try to figure out what I did wrong.  On the one hand, yes, I would like to know ... but you know what?  I know things that I could have done differently.  (That is becoming a list as well.) And as far as I know, there is nothing that made them point the finger at me, other than I was in the wrong position at the wrong time.  Like the quote says - I cannot control what happens to me, especially in a circumstance like this; but I can control my attitude and where I put my focus.  Interesting how my brother and I are going through similar life-(but not) changing moments.  That tells me that it's not isolated to me and that as I watch him pull himself together and fix his focus on what is important, I know I can do that, too. 

Gratitude Moments for Today: 
1/ I'm grateful for the people reached out to check in on me today.  I have good people in my life!
2/ I'm grateful for the large list I have of people to contact!  It's awesome to think that in there, somewhere, might be my next job!
3/ I'm grateful for taking the time to set up my new Tassimo (from RA for Christmas) ... there will never be the 'right time' to make the switch, so I did some shuffling around and made that day today.  Now, I can have a cup of coffee when I want, and not make a full pot and throw half of it out!
4/ I'm grateful for being able to pay off my dentist bill.  I need to spend some time with my finances and make sure I don't short myself, but I also need to keep my bills payed off.
5/ I'm grateful for taking some time to do a bit of cleaning today ... I always feel better, stronger and more positive when my place is more clean than cluttered!

1 - Starting Again

 I often pause and reflect on how life goes.  For all our plans and intentions, there is inevitably at least one time that comes where the carpet is pulled out from under you and all your plans disintegrate beneath you. And you're left holding air.  And, it is never a 'good' time for things like that to happen. 

I am in an economy that goes through these highs and lows, and sometimes they are very high and very low.  I have witnessed others "get the pink slip" but it wasn't until Friday that I got to experience it for myself.  I guess I can chalk that up to another life-event that I've gone through!  And, though there are a lot of questions surrounding the event, a lot of surprise that people could treat people like that in a time of difficulty, it is what it is, and best pick up and move on.  And pick something to dream again.

So, as much as I would like this to be another 100 Day Challenge, I think I'm going to scale it back and do my simple Gratitude Moments right now.  It will give me an anchor, it will force me to look for positives when I don't want to, and who knows where I might be in 100 days!

So, my Gratitude Moments for today are:
1/ spending time with MJB - a new friend from where I once worked.  It so so good to talk about this and make small plans for the week. 
2/ having RA check up on me ... I am grateful to have friends that do that.  It makes me feel not alone as I step into this new challenge.
3/ getting a few texts from KA and being on the receiving end of her advice.  She works with people in my situation and she had some good advice for me. 
4/ ... even if I don't truly realize it yet, I know that I am in a good place for change and for opportunity.  I have a lot in my corner - I just have to become focused and active in this push forward. 
5/ I hope I can come to the point where I am grateful for getting laid off ... I'm not quite there yet, but I do see the potential to be.