40 - Time

I feel time ticking away ... slowly slipping further with nothing to show for it.  I went out to a local pub with a friend a few weeks ago ... sans make up or any effort in making myself presentable.  I was feeling taxed from life and knew it was a good idea to get out, even if I didn't feel like it.  So I went.
     In comparison, I was invited to a friend's a few days later, for a celebration of sorts.  It was a nice gesture on my friend's part, but what she probably didn't know was that there were others that were going to be there that I had no desire to spend time with.  Others that knew me, knew a little of my situation, and I was not strong enough to respond to their questions, to their silent judging (which I knew would happen, because I heard them doing it to others), to their pity. I believe that when we pity someone, it is a way of saying "I'm better than you" and I just didn't want to go there.
     The last months have held many blessings - time to think, to reflect, to relax. Time to examine who I am and what do I want to do with the time I have left. Do I just do whatever to coast through to the end, or do I put forth the effort into one more grand attempt at leaving a legacy?  Obviously, my answer is the latter ... but how to get there from here when I don't know where 'there' is, is the mystery.  I sense that there is still something left in me, maybe even the best part, to put forward.  And sometimes, I get clues.  I just wish the options were more clear!
     This last week, I've spent visiting my brother.  This visit was necessary for a number of reasons, of which weighing the option of moving east is one of them.  Something is telling me that I have my answer, at least the answer for now.  Am also leaving with two book recommends - Mindset by Carol Dweck and Gifts of Imperfection by Brene Brown.  Both these books have to do with our internal thinkings on entering into various 'seasons' or chapters of our lives. Particularly when we set a goal, give it all we have, and fall short.  What then?  That is the reality for my brother right now, and for me as well, in a different way. So, with this thought, and I look back at my first statement, "slowly slipping further with nothing to show for it" ... that should not be my perspective.  That, on its own, is a perspective that fails to advance. 
     I'm "home" again, and it feels like I have my tasks set before me.  I have five weeks ... that's it.  Let's see what change I can bring about in five weeks. Nothing like a deadline to light a fire!