They say that the home is the best place to be for Christmas. The thing is that I don't even know where 'home' is any more. I guess it's a consequence of becoming an "orphan" before you established your own place in the world.
Christmas is in a few weeks and since my parents passed away, I'm always at a loss at this time. Do I buy gifts? For who? Sure - there are a couple of friends and my sister and her husband. But over time, what used to be an active social life has dwindled to something rather pathetic. I have found that for all the talk, there really are a lot more people that want support in tough times but don't know how to give it to others when their season of struggle comes along. I look back over the last few years, and the difficult path in life I had to journey, and how many times was there someone beside me to journey with me? I don't know if this is a case of not being aware or desperately imagining someone there when in reality it was a mighty lonely trek for most of the time. I definitely am thankful though, for those people who took time from their lives to join me on my road of life, even if it was for a while.
Here I am, sitting in front of the TV yet again, watching "It's A Wonderful Life" for the umteenth time - I get choked up every time when Jimmy Stewart says, 'I want to live again!' - and still that little voice in my head says, 'Nice movie.' Entering another Christmas where I feel so far away from home that I don't even know where I would go if someone gave me a free ticket to go home for the holidays.
I hear a knock in the hallway ... the door opens and I can hear festive revelry beginning in the apartment next door. A party. I wonder what they would say if I knocked on their door, looking like I am in my fluffy housecoat covered with cats and my schleppy slippers, asking if I could join their party? Even I have to smile at that picture! Smile ... and then quickly erase it.
"Oh, there's no place like home for the holiday ...." I think in my mind, not for the first time. What makes a home? Why is this not my home? Where is home for me? And why can't I find it any more? Maybe, more importantly, what is this saying about me? what is the significance and how do I change it?
I lift my legs onto the sofa, wrap myself in a blanket and settle down to finish the movie, even though I know it well enough to speak the lines with the characters. As much as I don't want to wrestle with this again, I also know that my avoidance of it will lead me to the exact same place again next year. Still lost. Still listening to the party next door. Still wishing it was me given another chance to live again.
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