I don't remember what I wanted to be when I grew up. Most of my friends wanted to get married and be a mommy but I didn't want that. When people asked me, I didn't really have an answer ... one time, it was a geologist. Another time, an astronomer. And yet another, a writer. And, to boot, I was lousy at math. I had no idea. And, my parents weren't any help.
They say you become a product of your childhood, and if that's true, I've been fighting it for a long time. Who could imagine that a life could become like this?
I remember once, when I was young, my teacher wanted to get me tested. She thought there was something special to me. But my mother would have nothing of it. On the drive home after talking to my teacher, she sneered at me, "You're not special, you know. There's nothing special about you, so just get that out of your head."
It wasn't until some of my friends had come back from university for Christmas and they had invited me over for a gathering. Reluctantly, my mother let me go, but only after I promised to clean the house and do the laundry the next day.
At this gathering, two of my friends were taking education and studying psychological testing. They had been given a small IQ test, not completely accurate, but about 80% reliable. They had been tested and decided that they would test the rest of us at this party. So, I was given the test, with a blank piece of paper and a pencil. I sat and did my best - there were 25 questions, all multiple choice. All the others had finished and turned in their test and I was still on the last four. I felt embarrassed. Maybe I should just circle anything, I'm taking too long, I am always the slowest. Instead, I took the test into the bathroom to concentrate better, and determined what I thought were the best answers. I came out and gave Sherry the test.
Sherry and Nancy took the tests, marked them and returned. Coming back, they were looking at me rather odd.
"What?" I asked. "Did I do that bad? I know it took me longer, but ..." my voice trailed off.
"The scores were as follows: 101 for Matt, 122 for Lucy, 99 for David ... you didn't really try, did you, Dave?" she laughed. "And, for you, Jane, 150."
"What?" everyone turned to me.
"Is that bad? Can I do it again? I can do better ..." I was not feeling well. I should have stayed home.
Sherry looked at me and smiled, "No, Janey, this is really good. Really good. In fact, it's the highest score I've ever seen."
And now, almost 70 years later, I remember that moment clearly. I remember it because I had something but I never did anything with it. My father left us and my mother made sure I didn't leave. I was afraid to tell her, because I knew what it would bring. Days came and they went, and then one day she was gone, too. I went from one small position to another, and now here I am. You'd think that it would be like being let out of jail, but it wasn't like that. I was so used to my confines that I continued my mother's mantra myself.
I have not seen another person in a week. Tomorrow, my small bag of groceries will be delivered and then I will see someone, even if it is to give him payment. Who could imagine that a person could live a life like this? I had something but never used it. I never had a dream or a goal, I never sang my song and I never lived. I never knew what was possible. And I have nothing to show that I even existed.
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