11 - What if?

I did what I set out to do yesterday ... I paused.  I made a list of the things that give me great anxiousness when I think on them.  Those things that make my brain freeze in this chaos.  And, I broke them down, listing some today, some tomorrow, and the rest throughout the weekend.  Some weren't as urgent as the others, some were so urgent that my stomach got upset by just thinking on it. And with that upset, came that old 'visitor' - the one that points to the difference between my life and the life of everyone else I can think of.  And that Voice began again.  And the messages and ... how does one shut them off?  I did what I can to pick something from the list and work towards completing it.  And it worked ... but the Voice continued - "What if you don't get a job?" "What if no one wants you?" "What if they're right and there are no jobs?" "What if ... what if ... what if ...??"

And I remind myself of the conversation with VG last week .... Prove it.  No one needs to know about this struggle against failure inside me, instead - do what I think will work and prove it ... prove it does or prove it doesn't; just prove it.  And, maybe I'll push myself right out of that frustrated rut I'm in.

Gratitude Moments for Today
1/ I'm grateful today that I had a meeting with a placement agency.  And that I did well on their tests.
2/ I'm grateful today that I got a few things checked off my list of "Anxious Things".
3/ I'm grateful today ... well, I'm not grateful yet for unemployment, but I'm intending to put that on the grateful list one day!
4/ I'm grateful today for my home.
5/ I'm grateful today for hope ... I need to use that hope to fuel the action. Especially now that I'm checking things off that Anxious List!  I'm just grateful that I still have hope. Even if it seems that my hands are very empty right now, I still have a seed of hope left.