32 - Purpose of Life

A while ago, I had a conversation with my brother.  The discussion centered on state of people today, their 'heart struggles', generational traits and issues, and what internal needs are showing themselves and will only show more as time goes on.  We talked about a few observations of the world around us, with attempt to avoid placing judgement -

• The generation aging right now is the Boomers. Generally, they were raised in bio-mom/dad families, they had at least 1 or more dinners together, if they got in trouble at school, they'd get in trouble at home.

• Generally, the Boomers went to church either regularly or, more likely, one to twice a year. Generally, if they weren't Biblically literate, they knew the basics and had a general belief in what they believed was in there (theology correctness, aside).
• The generations that come after the Boomers - starting in the GenX and progressively stronger into the GenY (or the Millennials) and the GenZ - are experiencing a huge shift.  Ways of thinking and ways of interacting and ways of behaving that we have never seen before.  And yes, I would say primarily brought on by technology, but not only because of that.  
• General observations: (1) Disillusionment on religion (aka Christianity) as an organization and form of control have led to a mass exodus away from any kind of bible teaching, and thus a great ignorance is prevalent on what is in that book.  Assumptions are rampant and individual determination of what is right along with the rise of individual religious choices is growing. (2) A self-focused world-view ("make me happy" or "if you don't make me happy, I'll ..." or the growth of the 'selfie' ... didn't I write on this a bit ago?) is entrenched and strengthening.  (3)  There are more children that come from broken homes now than those that come from a bio-mom/dad family.  Kitchen tables are frequently used for all sorts of other things and a family sit-down dinner?  Not often, especially if the child lives in a single-parent home. (4) We still use words like 'commitment' and 'love' but I question whether we really know what it means, much less live these words.  I think frequently a person is 'committed' and 'loves' someone, as long as that person meets my needs and gives me what I want.

I love the two attached quotes on life's purpose.  Which one do you agree with? It can't be both, so which one? Or, maybe it's something else?  And then consider: "Today's society is characterized by achievement orientation, and consequently adores people who are successful and happy and, in particular, it adores the young and youthful. It virtually ignores the value of all those who are otherwise, and in so doing blurs the decisive difference between being valuable in the sense of dignity and being valuable in the sense of usefulness. If one is not cognizant of this difference and holds that an individual's value stems only from his present usefulness, then one owes it only to personal inconsistency not to plead for euthanasia along the lines of Hitler's program, that is to say, "mercy" killing of all those who have lost their societal usefulness, be it because of old age, incurable illness, mental deterioration, or whatever handicaps they may suffer." (~V.Frankl)  And where does this leave us?  Chew on that for a while.

What is the connection that all of these have with each other? Can you see one?

I could write a book on this.  Especially when you factor in the discussion I had with VG today.   I once said we are living in interesting times ... I think that more now than ever.  And, I suspect that, generally, things will not be getting better.  And I'm an optimist!  I still believe there are great things out there for me ...

Today's Moments of Gratitude
1/ Today, I'm grateful for the sense of peace and assurance that I experience inside me. It might not be my purpose, but I know that comes from a belief in the future and a process.
2/ Today, I'm grateful that there are things to be grateful for that I have no control over - like if someone will call me, if I will find a great parking spot, if the weather is good, etc.
3/ Today, I'm grateful for those things that I do have influence over - like calling someone else, choosing to go for a walk, what things I choose to spend my time on, etc. I need to act on those more!
4/ Today, I'm grateful to 'get it'.  In spite of everything, and the human side of questioning, in my opinion and my world, I get it.
5/ Today, I'm grateful for the dawning decision for direction.  I am still open to change, but this decision will definitely affect things in a good way. A purposeful way.

31 - Love My Family Pt 2

I have had those moments lately where I've been whining about the absence of support in my life.  Yes, I know that I have friends that check in with me every so often (and RA often calls me for a few min every day), but sometimes I feel I get lost in the shuffle.  I know that those things that are deep in me, those things that keep me awake at night are not the things I share.  I don't what to make it all about me, so I keep silent and I let it be all about them.  Sometimes, I'll open that "Pandora's Box" a crack, but not for long and not for much. 

So, what I have decided to do is ... something completely opposite, something by my choice - I am going to talk to my nephew and niece separately once a week, as long as they want, and make it all about them.  It's odd when that happens - I come away from the conversation feeling stronger and able to take hold of my own problems.  And, my own problems really are much less than what these two (and my brother) are burdened with right now.  I talk to my brother a lot - a good 3-4 hrs a week, often at one time, but I realized that though I always asked about them, they didn't know it.  And, they didn't know how much I love them and care about them.  I know, for me, time spent with a person is important to me, spend time with me and I 'read' it that you care about me  - so, since I really don't know them really well, we'll start here and go from there.  In this way, I also feel like I have a family.

What does this do about my "Pandora's Box" of emotions?  I'm not sure ... all that is still there.  I guess that will be for another entry.  But, for here, the phone calls to my niece, my nephew and my brother, and letting them talk about their burdens, and not including and inserting my issues, does help me in a way with mine. 

Gratitude Moments for Today 
1/ Today, I'm grateful for spending time with my nephew.  He really is an amazing kid ... and we even talked about the Charlie Hedbow incident!  I joked once about this, because it's a huge thing with so many layers, and that it really isn't something to talk about with young people - and yet, when I brought up the incident, my nephew knew of the attack! We didn't talk much, but a bit.  How many Grade 8 students do you know that can talk about that??  This will be good practice for me to learn to ask questions that open the door to discussion, that encourages him to talk.
2/ Today, I'm grateful that TK called me to talk.  I know she is going through a bit of a challenging time, out of her comfort zone, and I'm grateful that she calls me to vent her burden. I'm honoured that she trusts me that much.
3/ Today, I'm grateful that I could be home for these phone calls.  I was going to go out to a friend's but was so exhausted and chose to stay home.  And I'm grateful that I did.
4/ Today, I'm grateful for the beautiful weather that continues!  This is so abnormal for this time of the year, and the snow is returning (and so, probably, is the complaining!), so I appreciate it and enjoy it while I can!
5/ Today, I'm grateful for the opportunity that is before me.  Not sure what to do with it yet, but I do recognize it as an opportunity, a gift.

30 - *Sigh ...

I knew there was a chance that days like this would come.  In part, everything is different this time.  Different than any other time I've been unemployed. This time, no one to encourage me on; no one to fall back on.  And, in that, I am a bit scared.  I could get really lost if things got bad, and I only have me to keep me from going there.  So, I'm doing what I can to look forward, work forward, think forward.  And, every day, push further into that forward place. 

I don't think I will post daily, but I will as I can.  If nothing else, I want to show that there is a low point, and at some point, it will turn around.  It has to.  And, I'd like to have it recorded here - for me, and for anyone that happens upon this. 

Gratitude Moments for Today
1/ Today, I'm grateful for getting going at a good time this morning.
2/ Today, I'm grateful for getting things done today - a resume out (re-write) and script for tomorrow.
3/ Today, I'm grateful for the check-in call I got from RA. 
4/ Today, I'm grateful for the dream I had last night - it prompted me to email LL and had a lovely phone call from her tonight!
5/ Today, I'm grateful for clean sheets, warm bed and fantastic weather!

29 - Love my Family

There are times when I know that, from the outside, that I don't seem like a good person.  It's not that I'm unethical or immoral, but that I get lost. And things in my world get so crazy that I don't know how to get out of the mess I find myself in.  I'm willing to take responsibility for my messed up world; but something happens and I get lost in that world.

Tonight, I decided to take the first of what I hope are many steps.  I called to talk to my niece ... just her, and no one else.  I am going to do the same with my nephew - call and talk to only him.  Many times, I sit and look at their pictures and imagine what their world must be like.  The hell they must be going through.  I really enjoyed talking to my niece - she played the flute for me (she's really good!), we talked about reading (she recommended The Fault in our Stars), we talked about school, how she loves Math the best and doesn't like Social Studies because she doesn't understand maps.  I hung up on her and wept ... she sounded so positive, until I said that I know she's going through a tough time.  Then I knew things were not as happy as they sounded.

I need to turn things around.

Gratitude Moments Today
1/ Today, I'm so grateful to have such a wonderful niece.  I know she's going through a mess she found herself in and had no part in it and I hope I can help her somehow.  Maybe a phone call a week can start. This whole thing makes me so sick, I have no idea where to start or what to do.  So, I'll start here.
2/ Today, I'm grateful for getting a few resumes out.
3/ Today, I'm grateful for the beautiful weather - it's there, I need to make use of it more!
4/ Today, I'm grateful for the phone call I got from RA ... it's nice to get those every so often!
5/ Today, I'm grateful for opportunities still open to me.

28 - Obsession with Self

We are in interesting times ... Mental Disorders are on the rise, and it's our fault.  I thought that disorders were from a condition that we could not control - something genetic or environmental (age old question, there!) ... but I think we could come to the conclusion soon that we can bring on our own disorders.  And, when we don't know we are doing it ... then it can be a bit scary.

My brother and I have often discussed this topic in relation to people around us - self-obsession or egotism.  Our conversation has since taken a more personal turn as we have begun to peel back the superficial layer of the appearance-obsessed around us.  Daily gym visits, money on skin products and procedures to eliminate wrinkles, diets to see that 'magic number', achieving the label of 'cougar', and I'm sure it continues just as strong for men.  To the point of broken relationships, bullying and suicide, self-hatred ... and the self-obsession propaganda that proliferate Facebook and other social media.  To quote some I've seen: "Happiness starts with You - not with your relationships, not with your job, not with your money, but with you." Who?  the self, the ego. Or, a personal favourite that is 'all about me' ... "If they miss you, they will call. If they want you, they'll say it. If they care, they'll show it. And if not, they're not worth your time."  Am I the only one that sees the arrogance and self-centeredness in this quote? It has nothing to do with the challenges or difficulties the other person might be going through, just that 'my' needs are not being met. And the ever-lovely: "Sometimes you just have to throw on a crown and show them who they're dealing with." Ummm .... see it?  And, mark my words, it is not going to be getting better.  Just so long as 'I' am happy, then nothing else matters, and I'm always, right, correct?  Oh my.

Gratitude Moments for Today
1/ Today, I'm grateful for running into Linda at my nail place before Christmas - today, she did my hair and I'm glad to have found her!  We see similar on things, which is great!
2/ Today, I'm grateful the sunshine - people are complaining of the cold weather again, and the fact is that it's around -10, which really is not bad, and the sun is shining, which is really quite good!
3/ Today, I'm grateful for PN - I get the feeling that she really is trying to help me, not only with ideas but also with encouragement.
4/ Today, I'm grateful for getting a call from RA.  Hearing her voice is always nice.
5/ Today, I'm grateful for my warm bed ... I really need to benefit from that earlier in the day! In other words, I need to go to bed earlier so I can enjoy my pre-heated bed earlier in the day.

27 - Good News / Bad News

I heard something on Dr. Phil today that rather resonated with me. The visual here is a reminder of that, even though the concept is a bit different.  And, this is nothing new to me, and yet, for some reason, it hit me as a bit of a slap up-side the head.  Dr. Phil said to his guest today, "The bad news is that this is your responsibility; the good news is that this is your responsibility."  And that's what this boils down to, right?  The bad news - I gotta take care of this myself.  I need to take responsibility for it, no one can bail me out, no one can rescue me.  The good news?  At one point in my life, I will look back on this and see the goodness in it. I know it's times like this that can totally change a life; if I let go of that which is holding me back (be that in my mind or something real), then the world should be my oyster.  Oh, how to do that is the question?

Gratitude Moments for Today
1/ Today, I'm grateful that there are still things I can be grateful for!
2/ Today, I'm grateful for getting in to get my nails done.  Two things that are important to me ... for appearance reasons - nails and hair.  Today and tomorrow.
3/ Today, I'm grateful for sleeping in the morning and remembering to take my meds yesterday, even if it was 1:00 AM!
4/ Today, I'm grateful for the note I got today from a friend at my old job.  I'm glad he had encouraging things to say to me! It was nice to hear from him.
5/ Today, I'm grateful that I still have hope, that there is still time so it really is in my hands.  And it really is up to me.  If it is to be, it's up to me.

Oddly, this has nothing to do with egotism ... sometimes I wish I had more confidence in myself because maybe this would be resolved quicker.  I'm not selfish - but in a way I have to be.  No one is going to rescue me so I have to do it for myself.  I have to value myself enough that I do push myself forward and do what I need to do to bring about what I need.  Because if not, it's not long before I'll be homeless.  And no one can change that but me. So, if that's not enough to be a little "selfish" ... or, what would you call it? ... then what is?

26 - Note, Assess, Change?

Feeling like a failure today ... or at least that I'm not where I want to be.  I don't understand ... I think the reality of my situation is starting to sink in and I'm not sure about a lot of things.  I don't want to focus on it and yet ... no..  They say what you focus on becomes your reality.  Even if i have moved forward and moved back, think of it like re-traveling over familiar ground so I should be able to do it faster to get back where I once was.  Right?

Gratitude Moments for Today
1/ Today, I'm grateful for getting the resume in.
2/ Today, I'm grateful for realizing a position I was going to go for was not in Alberta ... before I sent a submission!
3/ Today, I'm grateful for getting protein powder. No reason now!
4// Today, I'm grateful for getting my last pair of glasses.  I might not have done the best with the styles, but they'll be good enough for now.  And, two of them are nice.
5/ Today, I'm grateful for money in the bank for this month. Spend less, have more.

Take note ... what has happened?  What can I observe?  What can I assess? And ... what's the first step to change? Just one step? What would it be?