I feel the need to lay out my ground rules. Things are open to change to change, but if this is to do what I want it to do, there needs to be a foundation on which to build my new "home". This blog idea is coming at a key point in my life and developed from a recent conversation with my friend, RA. We got into a discussion about "ruts in life", and I remembered another conversation with my brother about 'wheel-spinners' or people who go nowhere because all they do is spin their wheels and go no where in life. And, I realized I am spinning my wheels; I have created that rut for myself.
I'm 50 years old and I feel like the best of my life is behind me. And yet, I know better than that. I believe, beyond a shadow of a doubt that I can change and that I can change my reality. So, here, I am going to challenge myself. I'm going to take a new direction and I will hold myself accountable here. It won't be easy, but nothing worth having ever is easy. So, read on and maybe you can identify with me, maybe you can encourage me, maybe you can give me guidance or help me; but, if nothing else, you can bear witness to what will become of me.
Let's start with this rut. What does it look like for me? Well, I wake up, I go to work, I come home, I find something for supper, I watch TV and I do it again tomorrow. I have very little of a social life, I spend a lot of time alone - some of which I enjoy, some of which I don't. I'm not challenged in my job, I'm not challenged in my life and I don't feel like I'm contributing the most I can to this world around me. Simply, I'm not making a difference to anyone and I'm barely making a difference to myself. I'm not eating healthy, I'm not living healthy. This has not always been like this, this isn't how I started ... there have been many times when my life has been much different. However, because of responses and choices, this is where I am now. So be it ... but I don't have to stay in this rut.
Which brings me to the next question: If I stepped out of this rut, what would that look like? What would my life be like outside of the rut? Hmmm ...
- I would be healthy, a healthy weight and healthy inside. I would be pain-free, I could exercise and play sports, go hiking and enjoy a quality of life that seems to be slipping from me now.
- I would be socially active. I would have friends that are positive and encouraging, people who have journeyed down difficult roads but have overcome obstacles and achieved goals and can provide a framework and safe place for me to be as I do the same. I would be active in something where I'm giving me to others. I might even be dating! And, when I'm alone, I would enjoy the time ... reading, crafting, writing, pursuing things that give me nourishment and joy.
- I would be in a career where my job is making a difference to others, where I'm helping become more of who they are and where I look forward to every day and all that it will bring. I look forward to waking and anticipate what is about to be.
- My world is "in its place" and my day is balanced. I feel alive and engaged in all that life has to offer. I am active in my life. I am loved and I love.
On April 15th, 2014, tomorrow, my world is going to change, either because medicine will tell me so or because I am determined to make it so. The stress of the last years, since leaving teaching in June 2008, have been peppered with the pain of loss, of health problems, of struggles and tears and confusion; of taking one step at a time because that's all the strength I have. I've had more brushes with death than I care to count. And, it feels that everything has been heading to the 15th. Tomorrow, I will find out if I have cancer or not. I do not feel that I do, I do not believe that I do. And at this time tomorrow, I will know if I'm right or if I'm wrong.
I've concluded that regardless of what the answer is, I'm going to start my 100 Day Challenge on this day. I'm going to challenge myself to change, to accept where I am and see what change can come in 100 days. And here's I'm going to do it:
1. The foundation of this is going to be gratitude - come here to this blog every day and list 5 things I am grateful for, 5 things in that day where I can pause and whisper my gratitude to God for giving that experience to me today.
2. Upon that foundation, I'm going to establish specific changes to add to my life and I will document the entering into those changes. Those changes will come from where I am at and what I need to do to move towards stepping out of that rut, what I need to do to remove myself from that rut and leave it behind me, moving into balance and life.
3. This is going to happen by adding things to my life. Removal will be a natural consequence but I don't want to focus on the negative but the positive: adding is positive. For example, right now, I know one thing I want to add is to drink more water. I've dabbled with this in the past, but enough with dabbling! So, I'm putting forth that beginning that first day, beginning tomorrow, Day 1, I am also going to drink a minimum of 6 cups of water a day. I'll increase it, but because this is about positivity, about success and change, I refuse to bite off so much that I throw up right away, so I'm starting with 6 cups because I know I can do that and will increase it on a later day.
4. As part of each 'step' towards what I want, each committed addition to my life, are the words: NO EXCEPTIONS, NO EXCUSES, NEVER RETURN. This is a given.
5. As mentioned, I am starting on April 15th as I know that will be a pivotal day in my life. It will last from April 15 through July 23. As part of this, I also need to establish some kind of reward for those days, based on whatever I set forth to equal "success". I will consider intermediary 'treats' for every 10 days. And, on completing my 100 Day Challenge, some kind of celebration. Who knows, maybe I'll challenge myself to another 100 days on July 24th!!
6. When I came out of the discussion with RA, she mentioned that all self-help books she had read seemed to fall into one of two categories: (1) be grateful for what you have, OR (2) you are capable of more and you deserve more and here's how you do it! I'm trying to find something in between - I know gratitude is important, so that is the beginning point. All starts with acknowledging the gifts I have already. But gratitude alone can only get you so far and might be a step or two out of the rut but won't leave the rut behind. Therefore, from there, I know myself and I will set the change and step into it as I am ready. This is not a cop-out, but a gradual adding, another step to getting out of the rut. As I strengthen on the step taken, I'll take another step ... and as I make those steps, I will be leaving the rut behind. Watch and see how it is done. I present my 100 Day Challenge as the example.
7. I am going to invite friends to do their own 100 Day Challenge with me, but if they do, there needs to be some commonality in our individual steps out of our individual ruts. Kind of like AA or like WW, there a higher likelihood for success when done together with another. So, I think the log/blog and the 5 gratitude moments are the common part; the steps are their own. In the blog, we can encourage each other, support each other and maybe even set points of celebration together.
This is the night before ... my last night as "me", the old me, the me that's in the rut. There is a thread of concern for tomorrow and the results it will bring, a piece of worry as to what tomorrow will hold. But I don't feel like crying, I don't feel like falling apart. I intend to sleep tonight and go to work tomorrow. I do have to confess - the worst part will be going in to the appointment alone and listening to the results alone. This is the one time in my life that I wish I had someone to hold my hand when I hear the results, someone to hug me in that moment. I wish for human contact. But since it isn't to be, and I will hold tight in my mind and my heart with the thought that others care and are thinking of me, I will do it alone. It won't be the same ... nothing can truly replace human touch, but it's better than nothing. And really, what choice do I have? Just like the other times, this will be the one step I can do. And so I shall. And, with it comes the challenge ... so, here and now: I challenge myself to change!! Enough is enough!
So, if you are ready, this all begins tomorrow! I look forward to tomorrow! Here we go!
L'Hayyim! or L'Chaya ... because I'm a female!! :-)
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