Ikigai Part 3 - Values Exercise

The other day, I went on a small hunt to do a deeper dive into values, on what is important to me. Obviously, if things are not settled in my life, there's a reason. If I'm not happy, something must not be lining up. And there's a good chance it has to do with my values. I have felt unhappy for a long time, and with this journal exercise, I had a chance to do a bit more reflection into various areas. The thing about learning one's Ikigai, those things that are of utmost importance for me and to me are part of the puzzle. 

I think I've sacrificed ... maybe stronger values for lesser values, and that might be why I'm in the situation I am? For example - I worked for 4-5 years for a nonprofit agency. And, there was "value" in it - I enjoyed working with adults, I enjoyed helping others (random calls where I could encourage someone gave me pleasure, and creating the visual for marketing was something I enjoyed), but there were things I sacrificed, and I didn't realize how serious that was until after. I was told more than once that the job was 'beneath' me, but I assured them that that was ok with me. And it was. And, at the same time, there were values that were not lived out and I suffered. That is something very difficult for me to say ... and difficult to realize. 

A few notes ... (found on MindTools)

• Values are the highest things that you believe are important in the way you live and work.
• Values determine your priorities and are the measures you use to tell if your life is turning out the way you want it to
• When what you do and the way you live match your values, life is good. If not, then things are wrong. 
• Life is easier when you know and acknowledge your values. It can help with job choice, accepting things, compromising, starting your own business, following tradition, and establishing priorities.
  

So, let's do these exercises and see what comes of them ... 

Step 1: Identify the times when you were happiest (personal and professional)

• When I helped with Mainstage and did my own production, Anne of Green Gables and the clowning show
• When I created some wonderful lessons that excited me - the poetry intro, the short story unit, working with the gifted student
• When I spent time writing, lost in my creations
• When I listened to the "right" music while creating 
• When I did some traveling on my own, my 'birthday runaways', my trips to Manitoba
• When I could spend time with people, talking and listening and finding the right questions for them to discover for themselves 
• Was I with others? sometimes yes, sometimes no ... who? people who were curious, who could converse, who asked questions and offered ideas. 
• Other factors? discussion, creation, environment of peace, autonomy, spiritual and self-connection, support.

Step 2: Identify the times when you were most proud

• This is tough. I have sealed myself off from experiencing this feeling; it's not something I've thought was 'right' ... but, if I push that aside, if I reframe the word 'proud', what might be there? 
• Graduating from university - when I was not encouraged to do so
• Getting high grades, particularly on my English and Religious Ethics papers
• Spending a year in Korea - during the economic crash of 1995
• My Anne of Green Gables production - me and 'my kids'
• My poetry win
• The first Conqueror Challenge (and every one since!) 
• My surgery success
• All the former students who have remained in touch with me over the years
• Did others share my pride? Yes - when I did Anne with my cast. They were amazing. 
• Other factors? creativity, doing something when others did not encourage it and I had the strength to continue on, when I survived something that was difficult, when I achieved something that, for me, was something great. When I was able to work hard and complete/achieve something. People. Connection to others in a different way.

Step 3: Identify the times when you were most fulfilled and satisfied

• Need/desire fulfilled: completion, community, contribution, recognition, inner gratitude and peace
• How did they give my life meaning: I was needed, I contributed, I achieved in the face of odds and conflict, I lived up to my potential (this was not often, but it happened occasionally)
• Other factors: learning, stepping out of comfort zone, community, joy, hard work, resilience

Step 4: Determine Top Values, based on these (with list)

• Achievement
• Excellence
• Self-Actualization
• Community
• Growth
• Hard work
• Creativity
• Intelligence
• Joy
• Making a difference

I want to insert something here: I did another check of values and the following were on that list: Community, Grace, Growth, Helping, Honesty, Individuality, Integrity, Learning, Money, Peace, Spirituality, Truth, Voice, Wisdom. You will note that 'money' is very much an outlier, but it is definitely a value of mine that I have neglected. I have often done things for others, not expecting anything in return, and it's not that I regret that. What I regret is that somehow I have not found a way to 'pay' myself to show myself that what I do and what I offer does have value, fiscal value. It's sad that I have to put focus on that, but I do. If I don't, I will end up right where I find myself now. 

Step 5: Prioritize your top values

For the first list, my top 5 would be (no order): Making a Difference, Creativity, Community, Growth, and Achievement. Can I note: 'Achievement' does not necessarily mean something like my university degree (though that is one), but it also means completing something, doing something that makes me feel that I've struggled against something and come out on top, either with other's help or on my own. If I were to identify my top 3 from that list: Making a Difference, Creativity, Growth

From the second list, my top 5 would be: Integrity, Voice, Truth, Wisdom, Spirituality, and Learning ... and the top 3 would be Integrity, Learning, Spirituality. 

Can I come up with my top 3 from both lists? Integrity, Making a Difference, Learning. And ... one that is not on any ... Mystery. I value the question, the unknown, the wondering, the mystic. 

Personal Observations

I think it's important to realize that the rest of the values are also important to me. If something comes into my realm and it is a value but not part of these here, then it could lead me to a place of dissatisfaction or a sense of distress. I know Money is in my final list, but with the way my life has been without it, I definitely realize that it is crucial. WITH money, the others can be focused on and developed; WITHOUT money, everything derails and I crumble. I also crumble when there is no learning, no integrity, no contribution, no autonomy. ... that's interesting. A different way of looking at values would be what contributes to that 'breaking and crumbling inside' when it happens. 

Maybe, along with examining things around when you are most proud or most happy or most fulfilled, it would be good to look at the other side as well - when are you most crushed, most unhappy, most empty, and what might that show as well? 

I'm thinking of some decisions I made recently - decisions that I made that tapped into my values of money, making a difference, helping, community. These values are in them, but something is not sitting right with me. Looking over these answers, I can see that my decisions have to do with others, but not myself. *I* am not being nourished, I am not nourishing myself - that is where the learning and the creativity and the mystery are absent. My thought - this can be ok for right now, but not for the long run. And, plans need to be made for their completion so that I can turn to my own growth and achievements. 

Hmm ... that's interesting. In that way, I didn't realize that before. There are values, but there is also a hierarchy and there are different kinds of values ... and to be altruistic and ignore the self can lead one to difficult places. I remember times when I was told/taught that the 'other' is more important than the 'me', that focus on 'me' is selfish and not what an (x) type of girl/person does. But you know what? if I don't help myself be happy, who will? And, when I am happy, then I can give better to others, too. Is that being selfish? How does one find their way through that, especially when you are the only one? 

Somehow this thought of 'you are selfish when' needs to change. That is something to address. I don't have an answer but I know there is something in there that needs to be unearthed. Something there is part of this here. For another time.